MAIL ORDER PUSSY

ACCIDENT PORN? OKAY...

NEVER BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU

LEAD SINGER'S VOICE IS A LITTLE SCRATCHY

HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN STOLEN BOOGERS

DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH

IMPROV 101

I'm taking this improv class right now

And it's a cool class

Most of the people are fun to do scenes with

There are a couple people who seem to have edited themselves out of the class

The class size started out at around 15 or so

And now we're down to around 10 or 11

But what's interesting is that this one dude in the class is pretty dumb

And initially I didn't wanna work with him 'cuz he kept forgetting the rules of the

2-person exercise

And totally slow the shit up

But I noticed yesterday that I really enjoyed watching him in another scene that I wasn't in

Because he's slow witted

And needs to think of a response

It gives him that extra beat or pause

And provides an unorthodox sense of timing

Combined with a slight stuttering/nervous condition

The delivery is staccatto-like

And cuts thru the static of the scene

The background noise of two other people talking

Like a Stratocaster on lead guitar

And last but not least

This guy uses the wrong word

He does it constantly, on accident

Flustered because he's under the gun

And he effortlessly drops malaprops of charming idiocy

This dude is the Rain Man of Improv 101

I wish I could reveal his name but there is the astronomically improbable chance that he

reads my blog

And I wouldn't do that to someone

I would never blog about someone behind their back

'Cuz I've had that experience happen to me

And it's just lame

It's lame on so many levels but I guess to pick just one

I would say that it's lame in the sense that, you know, you just didn't have the balls to say that

to my face?

I mean, I'm a man

Sock it to me

'Cuz that way, when someone is honest with you

It gives you the opportunity to be honest with them

You can both get something off your chest, you know?

You can be like

"Hey, I'm glad you don't like me very much

Because I think you're a fuckin' asshole myself, alright?

How do you like them apples?"

Then everybody's happy

We got that release

It's like blowing a load

You gotta do it or you'll just go crazy

Alright

It's pretty ridiculous of me to entertain the fantasy that I actually have more than three people

reading this blog

It's basically a collection of excised 1-liners and other randon pics that I captioned for no

particular reason

It's just somethin' to do, ya know?

Other people have hobbies

They have real interests in life

If they're white people they're into softball leagues or glassblowing classes

If they're black, they're into...

I'll let you fill in the blanks

And so on

And so forth, right?

I'm talking about the things that people do to pass the time

When they're not busy working, fucking or other essential human activities

But not me, my friend(s)!

I labor nite and day

Feverishly captioning pics culled from sites like imgur.com

Why do I do this?

I couldn't even begin to tell you

[Gay voice]: It's how I connect with myself and get centered

Alright, I'm running out of steam with this blog

Later







GET OUTTA DODGE

 


GET INNA FORD



SINGLE & SEXIST

I was accused of being sexist recently by a female comedian

My response?

It's hard to be a chauvinistic pig when you're single

I can't tell a woman to go into the kitchen

And make me a sandwich

I gotta make my own fuckin' sandwiches, you know?

It's hard being sexist when you're single

I mean, you can say ridiculous shit but it doesn't fuckin' matter

'Cuz it's just anger, really

You're just fuckin' pissed off that you have to go home

And jack off

Again

You know?

Just turnin' the valve

Releasin' a little steam outta the system

A little steam release valve there

Little pressure valve

Gonna go home

And turn the pressure valve for a while

Couple times a week you gotta

My hand's like an old janitor at a shitty high school

You gotta go down to the basement

And you know

Clean out the pipes a little bit

NEW HIV+ PORN STAR

Some porn star got HIV recently

It's probably a guy dude though

You know what I mean?

Because I been watchin' the track record on these HIV+ porn stars

And it's only the women that get it

From a dude that got it somehow

But the last dude that got it, he was gay

The dude before him was a black guy

You know?

He was down in Africa

No

He wasn't in Africa

He was in Brazil

Fuckin' some Brazilian broads up the ass

And one of those bitches prolly had AIDS

Now he's got AIDS

Then he came back to the States

And did a couple movies

Gave some whores some AIDS

This chick

She's from Canada, right?

She's fuckin'

Bright lights, big city

She goes down to LA to follow her fuckin' dreams

Somehow finds herself on her fuckin' knees

Doing a scene

The scene she got AIDS from this black guy

She was doing a double anal

So, you know

It's just like

Kinda hard for me to feel sympathetic

You know what I mean?

When you got two complete strangers

Double anal?

Not even double penetration

Which is one dick in the pussy

And one dick in the ass

This is double anal

You know?

You just

It's like

Did you come down here to LA to follow your dreams

Or to end up in a wheelchair

I don't understand

This isn't gonna end well

And lo and behold

It didn't, okay?

There is a lesson to be learned here

When you let two complete strangers double anal you on camera for money

Sometimes it doesn't work out for the best, okay?

And that's just

Lesson learned

We're supposed to feel sorry for this chick?

I don't think so

But the weird thing is that the other dude didn't get AIDS

You know?

I mean, 'cuz they both were rubbin' dicks inside the chick's ass

Which is, you know

That's your call on how

How straight that is, you know what I mean?

Like, that's questionable enough as it is

You know, two dudes are just swordfighting in her rectum basically

But yeah

So the other dude didn't get AIDS

Which means that, you know

I guess that means that it's not gay

OH SNAP!

AT THE LIBRARY

I spend alot of time at the library

I use their computers 'cuz I don't have internet at my house

And the library was closed recently for a week due to budget cuts

And it was fuckin' nice, you know?

It was nice to feel like I was living in the fuckin'

The 90's or whatever

The late 80's and shit

Except with a cell phone

But I don't have that computer shit on my phone

I just have texting so

So it was nice not to be all dialed in to everything all the time

And be getting people's fucking facebook updates and you know

You forget how important everyone thinks they are

And that's refreshing, you know?

You just treat people on an old school basis

"Hey, how's it goin'

Hey, what's up

What have you been up to?"

'Cuz I haven't been reading your fucking status feeds and shit

You know what I mean?

I didn't get your tweets about where you had lunch

Or fuckin' watched a documentary about cats

SKINHEAD

I've been called a skinhead before

I never had that problem until I went bald

When I had hair people never questioned my commitment to civil rights

But now that I'm bald people accuse me of being a skinhead

How come no one ever accuses me of having leukemia?

I mean, if your gonna jump to conclusions go hog wild

And how come being bald is the default sign of white power?

Just because I shave my head once a week

And on Hitler's birthday

Does NOT make me a skinhead

BLOWJOB BARS

I did a lot of travelling in the Navy

I've been all over the world

But I've never been to Thailand

I heard some great things about Thailand though

Did you know that in Thailand they have what they call blowjob bars?

It's a bar where you walk in and order a beer

And a chick will crawl under the table

And blow you for like $12 bucks

What a deal!

It's the Walmart of oral sex

You can buy in bulk

One of my friends went to a blowjob bar in Thailand

He said they're kinda hard to find

None of the signs out front are in English

So he had to walk into every bar in town until he found the right place

I said how did you know when you found the right place?

He said it's easy

You can tell as soon as you walk in the bar

Everyone looks really happy

Smiles all around

One time he said he accidentally walked into a gay blowjob bar

Turns out a gay blowjob bar

It's just a gay bar

There's no difference really

Except you don't have to pay the $12 dollars

IT'S FARNSWORTH BENTLEY!

THE GAME DON'T CHANGE

10 THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR AT WORK

1. "Hey, um. I fucked your wife"

2. "And your cat"

3."You have AIDS "

4. "Hey, um. I fucked your mom"

5. "And her cat"

6. "Your mom has AIDS"

7. "About that Solyndra stock severence package"

8. "So it turns out the Johnson account shit the bed"

9. "Let's meet on Chatroulette later"

10. "You're fired"

TALK TO THE FOOT 'CUZ THE HAND AIN'T LISTENING

TAXES

People are always complaining about taxes

Paying taxes

They try to abolish the 17th Amendment or whatever

Say it doesn't apply

Like Wesley Snipes

He didn't wanna pay taxes

Apparently, Wesley Snipes doesn't believe in roads or schools

He'd rather play 2-dimensional comic book characters for a living

Your a dumbass if you think your gonna make $10 million dollars a year

And not pay taxes

Wesley Snipes is out of his goddamn mind

I don't like paying taxes

And I had a weird situation last year

'Cuz I was on unemployment

So I got a check from the gov't

And at the end of the year I owed money on my tax return

What kind of loan shark does that?

What kind of shitty bail bondsmen?

It's like

Okay

You let me borrow $10 dollars

Then told me I owe you $5

I got an idea

Next time don't be an asshole

And loan me 10 bucks

Just give me the 5

And we'll call it even

We can skip the paperwork

 And save a few trees

GRANDMA

My grandma lived to be 94 yrs old

And she spent the last 20 years of her life sitting in a LazyBoy recliner

Watching Wheel of Fortune and knitting stuff

My grandma used to knit wool socks and blankets

Everyone in the family had a pair of slippers

At first I thought she knitted stuff just for something to do

To keep her hands busy

But then I realized

Dude, she's a 91 year old lady with bad circulation

As far as she's concerned

Everyone is slowly freezing to death

We had to tell her

''We're fine grandma

The Ice Age is just in your bones''

UNEMPLOYED

I got laid off awhile back

So I'm unemployed

Or as I like to say

I work from home

Times are tough, man

I went down to apply for food stamps

And the lady behind the counter

Gave me a piece of cardboard and a sharpie

She said 'budget cuts'

I'm trying to find a job

And things are getting desperate

I been showing up at job interviews

With a pair of kneepads and some chapstick

KIM KARDASHIAN

Have you guys been keeping up with the Kardashians?

I haven't

I want Kim Kardashian to go away

She's a good example of the short term memory loss we have in this country

'Cuz people seem to forget that she got her start making a sex tape

Right?

She made a sex tape with Ray J

But I didn't forget

'Cuz I've seen the footage and I was very impressed

After that Kim dated a bunch of professional athletes who also seemed to forget that she

got her start making a sex tape

Or maybe they just didn't care

And Kim dated a bunch of professional athletes

A bunch

It's safe to say Kim Kardashians had more football players between her legs than a locker

room

When her and Reggie Bush broke up she refused to give back his knee pads

MOTIVATIONAL POSTER

I'm a big fan of motivational posters

My favorite one has Abraham Lincoln on it

The tagline is for success

And it shows a timeline of his career

And it lists all the things he failed at over the years

Then the last thing it says is

''Abraham Lincoln

The 16^th President of the United States''

It's supposed to be a triumph of the spirit

Like

''See?

You can do it!''

But I'm like

Yeah

Then what happened?

He gets shot in the head in the back of the head

That's how this story really ends

He doesn't get re-elected

We can put it that way

He did not seek another term

Let's not try to put a positive spin on getting assassinated

I mean

Jesus

Poor Abe Lincoln gets shot by John Wilkes Booth

Who was a shitty actor from the South

Yeah that's exactly what I need

To finally achieve success

Only to be gunned down by Harry Conick Junior

COCAINE SELLS ITSELF

Cocaine sells itself

Cocaine doesn't need a commercial

Or a billboard

Anyone who's ever done cocaine knows EXACTLY how good it is

I'm talking about the old

Peruvian dancing dust

Colombian marching powder

Fish scale

Nose candy

Gary Busey's breakfast

Mucus chalk

White lady

It sells itself

Nike's dont sell themselves

Air Jordans cost $150 bucks a pair 'cuz they gotta pay Mike $40 million for the commercial

But with cocaine your just paying for the product

Plus shipping and handling

That's what kills you

The shipping and handling fee

In Costa Rica, you can get a gram of coke for $10 bucks

And your still getting ripped off

I was in Costa Rica a couple years ago with money to burn

You shoulda saw me

You woulda thought they were filming Scarface 2 in my hotel room

I was snorting so much coke I had blood pouring outta my nose

Now I know what Rihanna felt like

HP FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE

HP had a problem recently with it's facial recognition software

Apparently, the webcams had trouble identifying African-Americans

According to the webcam all black people looked alike

Sounds like the guy who developed this software was the same guy who does police

sketches

KIM JONG IL

Kim Jong Il died the other day

The Dear Leader is dead

It's very sad

I was watching the news

And when they were talking about Kim Jong Il dying

They showed the N Korean broadcaster lady crying

Just bawling her eyes out

And I hate seeing women cry

It bothers me on a fundamental level

And watching this N Korean lady crying

I found myself wondering

If there was some sort of ridiculous sunglasses that she could wear

To hide the tears

Isn't there at least one pair of Kool Moe Dee shades floating around Pyongyang

somewhere?

Here put these on bitch

And stop pretending like your sad