'BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER'

Birds of a feather flock together-

That's why I use buckshot

OFFBASE

Offbase-

1. located outside the perimeters of a military base

2. the erogenous zones of a woman, which I am not allowed to touch

LETTER TO THE IRS

December 27, 2010

Rich Opoora, Director

Exempt Organizations Division

Internal Revenue Service

1111 Constitution Ave., N.W.

Washington, D.C. 20224

Dear Mr. Opoora,

This letter is in response to a formal inquiry by the Internal Revenue Service

In regards to certain deductions made on behalf of Mr. Milton's 1040 EZ, fiscal year

2009

Records indicate Mr. Milton claimed tax relief for the following:

*Asian strippers w/ big fake tits

*Drugs (including weed, coke & all sorts of groovy pills)

*1st person shooter video games

*several vinyl bean bag chairs

*a foosball table

*a pet Liger (that is, the offspring of a male Lion & a female tiger)

We believe these deductions are legitimate expenses deserving exemption, seeing as

they were incurred thru the Save a Hipster Foundation

A charity instituted by Mr. Milton on behalf of the indifferent, aloof population of white

males currently residing in Seattle, WA & protected under the not-for-profit tax shelter

provisions referenced under Federal tax code PU55-Y

Should a difference in opinion arise over this matter, Mr. Milton is prepared to utter the

words "Dude, you know, like, whatever"

In addition, the retention of competent tax attorneys for the express purpose of

avoiding the same fate that befell Mr. Wesley Snipes

In conclusion,

thank you for your attention to this matter and we look forward to resolving this in a

manner most conducive to minimal arbitration & maximum irony

So yeah, thanks

We totally mean that

- Leonard Goldfarb of Goldfarb, Weinstein, Bergowitz, & Kleinfeld

"WHAT'S WITH THE PORTIONS AROUND HERE?"

"HELP! I'D RATHER BE COMMUNIST THAN TOLD WHAT TO DO"

'BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY'

Better safe than sorry-

A guy in a tank never apologizes

OFFAL

Offal-

1. the parts of a butchered animal that are considered inedible by human beings

2. the standup comedy of James Milton, which is also not fit for human consumption

'HER BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING'

Her biological clock is ticking -

So loud, I got scared and called the bombsquad

OCCUPATIONAL DISEASE

Occupational disease-

1. a trait or tendency that develops among members of a particular profession

2. an illness, usually fatal, which consists of being forced to work for a living

NETWORK TV SHOWS I WANNA SEE

Titty TV- all titty, all the time

Kitty Porn- a channel for cat people

WTV- white trash TV

Fame Whore- what will you do for your 15 mins?

TBTV- a channel dedicated to tuberculosis, scarlet fever and other 19th century

scourges

Cleat Chaser- a show about women that are sluts for pro athletes

The Deadliest Catch- a show about people with AIDS

Morphine TV- watch it once and you're hooked (slogan)

Clock & Dollars- a show about the grandfather clock business targeted at the urban

market

'BETTER LATE THAN NEVER'

Better late than never-

Unless it's your girlfriend's period

LIABILITY

Liability-

1. something disadvantageous

2. a politician's skill in manipulating the truth

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH GUIDE

Welcome to Chinatown!

Or, as it is now known thanks to political correctness, the

International District

The International District is a very diverse place

We have great restaurants, interesting shops and African-Americans with

questionable intent

The streets are littered with cigarette butts and empty cans of Mickey's

Iced

If you live here and need to get up early for work, don't worry; a car alarm

will go off every 17 minutes

Because we live in such an exciting part of town, we have recently

begun a Neighborhood Watch Program

The Neighborhood Watch Program aims to provide protection for our

community by working hand-in-hand with politically corrupt city officials

and the inept Seattle police department, who will do their

best to shoot innocent people in the chest whilst allowing crackheads

carte blanche

The Neighborhood Watch Program is a successful effort that has been

in effect for over thirty years

Supported by the National Sheriff's Association since 1972, the

Neighborhood Watch Program is helping the public eradicate residential

crime in their neighborhoods.

The program's "success" is based on the commitment of the public 

and their local police department to work together to ignore

crime in their communities

Residents not only take care of their own run-down homes and businesses,

but also those of their unemployed neighbors

By taking a passive role in the protection of their families

and possessions, residents are better able to encourage criminal

activity and keep their neighborhoods unsafe

Joining a neighborhood watch program is as simple as locating one in

your neighborhood and attending a meeting

'BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS'

Beggars can't be choosers-

But they can be annoying

LAME

Lame-

1. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory

2. Seattle

'BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP'

Beauty is only skin deep-

And her liver spot were gorgeous

INTERROBANG

Interrobang-

1. a printed punctuation mark available only in some typefaces, designed to combine

the question mark and the exclamation point

2. an information/extraction session gone horribly, horribly right

CASUAL ENCOUNTERS AD

~Tall, Dark And Handsome~

I'm a 31 yr old unemployed chronic masturbator looking for that special lady to

give me a helping hand

Are you kind, considerate & financially secure?

I like taking long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners at your expense, world travel,

menage a trois, hardcore pornography and sleeping till noon

If this sounds like you, reply w/ a little bit about yourself

Please include pics and a bank statement

I can't wait to meet you!

Especially if you're an aging Jewish woman with a summer house in Montauk

Till then,

XOXO

James Milton

"HOT DOGS ARE READY!"

'BEAUTY'S IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER'

Beauty's in the eye of the beholder-

And I couldn't see a thing

ESSAY

Essay-

1. a short literary composition on a particular theme or subject

2. a short Mexican gangbanger

VENOM NITECLUB

Venom Nightclub-

I went here on a Friday night

And I was one of the only people that wasn’t Asian

The go-go dancers reminded me of Aurora Ave crack whores

The 'security team' was probably reading at a 4th grade level

The bartenders are fucking the cocktail servers, the cocktail servers are sucking off

the bouncers

If anyone brings an STD into this incestuous little circle jerk, it's over

Every 5 minutes some bozo w/ a digital camera is snapping pics-

The pockmarked sales girl from Macy’s wants to document this?

Forever!?

Zero fashion sense all around

The last time I saw this many pairs of boots, the seats in Nuremberg were packed

Just to give this joint the benefit of the doubt, I went here on a Saturday night

Picture a room of ghetto fab's                          jockeying for position on three white
                                                                          girls

Full of self-loathing and negative body image issues

They're literally in hog heaven!

Seattle nightlife is a misnomer

Don’t even entertain the notion that you might possibly hook up and get laid here

Surrounded by 'project managers'

Every penis pump w/ a pair of turntables & a 5950 Mariner’s hat thinks he’s a DJ

'AS GOOD AS GOLD'

As good as gold-

Fool's gold

DEUTERONOMY

Deuteronomy-

1. the 5th book of the Pentateuch, containing a 2nd statement of the Mosaic Law

2. the study of the dude, duder and how he abides

ETIQUETTE GUIDELINE FOR USING A CELL PHONE

*please use it frequently in public

*talk as loud as you can

*relate the most mundane details of your life to the nearest passersby

*please walk around everywhere with the Bluetooth headset. You Are That Important!

*under no circumstances should you use discretion when discussing personal

business

*please text while driving or walking in crowded areas

*feel free to send complete strangers incriminating photos of yourself naked

*when you are texting, under no circumstances should you use capital letters,

complete sentences, etc.

Instead, use emoticons & socially approved acronyms such as LOL, LMAO, ROFL,

YOLO, etc.

*if you catch other people in embarrassing situations, it is imperative that you film this

w/ your phone

Embarassing situations include: being arrested, being caught masturbating, pissing in

public, puking, shitting your pants, getting your ass kicked, trying to pop a wheelie

on a Hayabusa, singing off-key to 80’s music or anything else that would lower other

people’s perception of you further than it already is and make a good YouTube video

*when you are bored or feeling socially awkward, whip out your phone & pretend to

call someone or read/write a text message i.e."pull a Ty Barnett"

*if possible, spring for the phone holster. This will impress others

*everytime someone actually does call or text you, act annoyed

*purchase annoying ringtones and play them at ridiculously loud levels every chance

you get, even when you are just walking down the street & especially if you use public

transportation

If you are African-American, you MUST do this

No exceptions!

'AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT'

As luck would have it-

'Cuz I never did

BROOMRAPE

Broomrape-

1. any of various parasitic plants of the genus Orobanche, living on the roots of

broom and other plants

2. an unfortunate reality of prison life for Jeffrey Dahmer

TOM SWIFTIES

1. “Of course, I’m a geometry teacher,”

He said obtusely

2. “I just tend 2 my flock,”

He said sheepishly

3. “Then turn on the air conditioner,”

He said coolly

4. “Do you ever come up 4 air,”

She asked breathlessly

5. “Behold, my Kingdom,”

He said majestically

6. “Make a list,”

He stated categorically

7. “Not a single bump,”

He said smoothly

8. “The sun is shining,”

He said brightly

9. “It’s pitch black in here,”

He said darkly

10. “Lotta room in here,”

He said loosely

11. “What’s next,”

He asked systematically

12. “I’m dying,”

He croaked

13. “It’s crushing me,”

He groaned heavily

14. “It weighs next to nothing,”

He said lightly

15. “That’s totally random,”

He replied haphazardly

16. “You can go now,”

He said dismissively

17. “It’s freezing,”

He stated icily

18. “You’re way off target,”

He replied aimlessly

19. “It could use some lubrication,”

He stated dryly

20. “I’m cumming,”

He ejaculated

21. “Are you sure,”

She asked doubtfully

22. “They crucified him,”

She said crossly

23. “I win,”

He shouted victoriously

24. “There is no hope,”

He said despairingly

25. “Do you really believe that,”

He asked cynically

26. “This is where we bury the dead,”

He replied cryptically

27. “Because I’m shy,”

He responded timidly

28. “Why,”

He asked questioningly

29. “But it’s my kitchen,”

He countered

30. “This is the best spaghetti ever,”

He said saucily

31. “I’m a dolphin trainer,”

He answered flippantly

'AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION IS WORTH A POUND OF CURE'

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure-

Unless it's cocaine, then it's worth $200

BARBERSHOP

Barbershop-

1. the place of business of a barber

2. one of the worst black movies ever made, starring Ice Cube

'AM I MY BROTHER'S KEEPER?'

Am I my brother's keeper?-

No, they have institutions for that

BARBED WIRE

Barbed Wire-

1. a strand of sharply pointed wire, used chiefly for fencing in livestock

2. a shitty tattoo common amongst meatheads, roid monkeys and Pamela Anderson

UNCOMPRESSED MP3'S

'ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD'

All that glitters is not gold-

Most of the time it's a stripper with her tits in my face

BARBATE

Barbate-

1. tufted or furnished w/ hairs, bearded

2. the type of girls one is likely to pick up at last call

DINNER FOR TWO

'ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS'

Actions speak louder than words-

I've taken a vow of silence

ARTICHOKE

Artichoke-

1. a tall, thistle-like plant native to the Mediterranean region which is eaten as a

vegetable

2. the suffocating experience of being surrounded by hipsters

MY FAVORITE PORNO ON VHS

'ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER'

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-

Silence even more so

ANTELOPE

Antelope-

1. any of several ruminants of the family Bovidae; having permanent, unbranched

horns

2. a pair of ants that run away and get married in Vegas

JAMES MILTON LIVE!

'SHE WAS AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE DAY IS LONG'

She was as beautiful as the day is long-

Like Alaska in December

DJEVILAKALIVE ON MYSPACE

DJ Evil is quite possibly the greatest deejay on the planet Earth.

His ability to manipulate the Rane Serato interface is equalled only by the skillz

required to press play on an Ipod.

DJ Evil is on some international-status type shit.

He has rocked dancefloors from Sydney to Madagascar and everywhere in between:

highlights include the Brillstein-Kovacs bar mitzvah, as well as the Ben Bridge

Jewelers holiday get-together.

AIRBAG

Airbag-

1. an inflatable bag mounted under the dashboard of a car: it cushions the driver in the

event of a collision

2. Joy Behar from the View

MY FAVORITE FAST FOOD JOINT

ACCRUE

Accrue-

1. to happen or result as a natural growth, addition, etc

2. a group of at least 3 dudes who hang out together 'cuz they can't get laid

'AN ANGEL BELONGS IN THE GARDEN'

An angel belongs in the garden-

A ho belongs in the bedroom

CRASH TEST DUMMIES

You know those commercials where they show you car safety?

And so they'll have like a

They'll crash BMW's into a cement fucking wall

And they'll have the crash test dummies in the car

And then one of the cameras will show you up close

Like the inside of the car at the moment of impact

When the crash test dummies neck is slamming into the dashboard

The other crash test dummies arms are flying off

The baby crash test dummy in the backseat's got his head thru the steering wheel

That commercial would be so much cooler if they used real people

MY FAVORITE LIQUOR STORE

RELIGIOUS RIGHT

Im sick and tired of the religious right in this country

Saying that gay sex is a sin

And that gays are going to Hell

If I was gay that shit would piss me off

But instead of arguing with a bunch of idiots

I would just put holy water in my Vaseline