LIMITED EDITION SCOOTER

I was taking the garbage out in the garage of my building

When I walked past a parking spot with a Vespa scooter

And on the neck of the machine it said "Limited Edition"

Really?

Shouldn't that say "Limited Demand"?

C'mon Vespa, stop lyin' to yourselves

   

SINGLE GUYS

Single guys

We don't get why we're single

We think it's some sort of conspiracy

I didn't get it until one day I just

Looked around the house

You know what I mean?

And I'm not a messy dude

But I do things like use paper towels when I run outta toilet paper

And then wash my hands with dish soap

But we don't get it

We're just walking around going

"What the fuck, bro?

She likes that guy?"

Uh, yeah

That guy doesn't wipe his ass with Brawny towels

I'm pretty sure that guy is never sitting in the bathroom going

"I'm bleeding!

Why does God hate me?"

It's like

God doesn't hate you

He's trying to tell you something

He's saying

"Four-ply

Get the four-ply"

And I know which one that is

It's the one with the bear on it, right?

I'm good with pictures

COOL BARS

I like going to bars

I like bars that are cooler than my living room

And my living room fucking blows

So I have a pretty flexible definition of what a cool bar is

I'm like

"You mean they have flat screen TV's and beer?

Well then let's go

Why are we still in my living room, this place fuckin' blows"

Sometimes

If a bar has a big flat screen

I'll go there and hang out

Just to watch their TV

'Cuz I can't afford a flat screen TV

But I can afford four Manny's Pale Ales and a Long Island Ice Tea

And, of course, the irony of all this is that

If I just stopped going to that bar for like

A week and half

I could afford my own flat screen

BROMANCING THE STONE

I just finished writing a screenplay

It's a screenplay about two close friends

Two buddies

Who go down to South America in search of a valuable emerald

It's called Bromancing The Stone

POST OFFICE FASHION LINE

The Post Office is coming out with a fashion line

It should arrive in 7-10 business days

The shirts have bulletproof vests sewn in

The best thing about the Post Office Fashion Line is that with such a timeless look

You never have to worry about being outta style

Or in

COMEDIANS MOVE TO LA

Alot of comedian's ultimate goal is to move to Los Angeles

And I think one of things that's really convenient for comedians living in Los Angeles

Is of course, exposure to the entertainment industry

Also, the weather is really nice there

It's warm

So for a comedian, I think the threat of being homeless isn't that big of a deal

It's just less scary being homeless in LA than it would be in Seattle or Kenosha, WI

COMPETITIVE TAXIDERMY

Competitive taxidermy is a thing

AFRICA OR USA?

"A politically corrupt regime, socially accepted rape culture and people running thru the

streets with guns" - someone describing Africa or USA?

WAX VAC

I'm sick of puncturing my ear drums with Q-tips

I need the WaxVac

NAVY TATTOOS

I know a dude who got kicked out of the Navy for getting a tattoo

You wouldn't think someone would get in trouble for a tattoo in the military

Especially the Navy

But this dude did

He got the words "Fuck You" tattoo'd on the ridge of his hand

So when he saluted...

ROSEMARY'S BABY: BOLLYWOOD VERSION

I wanna see a Bollywood version of Rosemary's Baby

A horror movie about the birth of the Anti-Krishna

JACK REACHER

Judging by the trailer, Tom Cruise plays a really angry Scientologist in Jack Reacher

OLD FOLKS

Old folks always got somethin' in their teeth

BONO + POVERTY RATE

World market economist Bono says the poverty rate should be zero by 2030

BEAR MACE

Living in Seattle has led me to many weird encounters with the homeless and

destitute

A while back I was walking down 1st Ave, heading home when a homeless guy

asked me for $$$

I waived him off and I guess he took offense to that (ppl are REALLY sensitive here,

even the homeless) because he started following me down the street

He followed me all the way down 1st Ave into Chinatown where I live, threatening

to mace me the whole way

Yelling at me from across the street

So when I got home, I got my Alaskan Bear Grizzly Spray and went back outside

in search of this asshole

I found him a couple blocks away

As I walked up to him, I could see the dim flash of recognition come over his face

I approached and said

"Hey, weren't you the guy who said he was gonna mace me?

Well, check it out I got my mace here

What's up now?"

I help up my huge, industrial strength can of bear mace

"Aw naw, man, I don't know you

You got the wrong guy", he said

We stood and talked for a minute

Him refusing to admit that he was the one who followed me home threatening to

mace me

Finally, I walked away

So, a couple years go by

And then I see this guy again

I recognize him because I pretty much have a photographic memory

And he must have recognized me too, cuz he goes

"Hey, man I remember you

You that dude who, when I said I had some mace, you went home and go yo mace

Be easy, partner

Be easy"

ROCKY MOUNTAIN WAY

We can put a man on the moon but we can't figure out what
 

Joe Walsh was talkin' about in 'Rocky Mountain Way'?

 

HEADLINE: PERUVIAN POLICE SEIZE SEAHORSES

Police in Peru seize thousands of dried seahorses to be exported illegally, dealing a

major blow to the seahorse cartels that run their country

LINDSEY LOHAN $1750 GOWN

Lindsey Lohan borrowed $1750 gown and returned it cut in half

"She cut a dress in half? If only she could do that with her bar tab" - Michael Lohan

ALMOST STABBED BY MEXICAN

So there's this old Mexican dude who lives in my shitty apt. building

He looks like Super Mario with salt and pepper hair

And everytime he sees me walking down the street he starts cussing in Spanish

And spitting on the sidewalk

Now, I grew up in California and took 3 yrs of Spanish in high school

So I know exactly what this guy is saying

I let it slide for a long time until a while back I was leaving my apt. on a Friday nite

And I saw Super Mario walking up the street towards me

As soon as he saw me, he started spitting and cussing in Spanish

So I started cussing back at him in Spanish

He got mad and began to square off with me

"Tienes problema conmigo?" I said

Meaning: do you have a problem with me?

Meanwhile, he was reaching into his back pocket to pull out something shiny

Likely a knife

So I'm ready

"Tienes problema conmigo?" I said again

"Yeah, I have a problem with you" He said

"You and your friend are always making a bunch of noise on my floor"

"What floor are you on?" I said

He goes "The 5th floor"

I go "I live on the 4th floor"

"Oh, my bad" He says

Then, puts the knife away and reaches his hand out to give me dap

And goes inside the apt. building!

I almost got stabbed by a Mexican dude 'cuz he thought all white people look the same

JAY-WALKING IN LAKE CITY

I was in Lake City a couple years ago

It was a Sunday nite and I had gone to a stripclub

Walking back from the stripclub I jay-walked across the street to the bus stop

When I arrived at the bus stop I saw that there was a dude there

I asked him what time it was

He said 12:15

I looked at the bus stop schedule to calculate my wait

Next thing I know, a cop car pulls up sideways with hazard lights flashing

Yelling "Hands outta your pockets! Hands outta your pockets!"

In a moment of confusion, I must admit that my first thought was to look at

the other guy at the bus stop (who was black) like "Dude, what did you do?"

Then I realized that the cops were talking to me!

My next thought was "Do I have cocaine on me?"

I didn't but the cops were so serious I felt a moment of panic that I would get

frisked and they would find drugs

The alpha male cop told to me sit on the front of the cop car

He asked for my ID

I gave it to him

When I asked what this was concerning

He said "You were jay-walking"

I started laughing

He said "What's so funny?"

I said "Well, I'm sure there's someone getting raped or something right now

And your nailing me with jay-walking"

Me and this cop were not hitting it off

He said he didn't like my attitude

I said "Stop it, your hurting my feelings"

Then he said that I didn't have any respect for the cops and I would never make it

in the military or some shit like that

I said "Actually, I was in the Navy for 5 yrs"

Without missing a beat, Officer Dickface goes "I was in the Marines"

I go "Cool, bro"

After that, Officer Dickface informed me that normally he let jay-walkers off with

a warning but since I was so lippy he was going to give me the biggest ticketable

fine allowable by law - $65 dollars

Which basically means that he wasn't ticketing me for jay-walking but for

'being lippy'

A couple days later, I went to court to have the case mediated by a judge

The charges were dropped but I still had to pay the $27 court fee

Justice!

1993

1993: In 20 yrs, the "Achy, Breaky Heart" guy's daughter will give a lapdance

(called 'twerking') to the son of the Growing Pains dad and it'll be a big deal

MEGADETH IN JAPAN

When I lived in Japan, I would go to all sorts of concerts and in Tokyo

I saw Megadeth one time

I remember standing in the back of the venue before the show started, drinking

a beer

Then, right as the show was starting people started pushing to get closer and

I ended up about 2 rows away from the stage, in front of Dave Mustaine

The show was awesome

I had never been to a metal show before and had a great time

At the end of the show, Dave Mustaine was tossing picks and wristbands into

the crowd

He tossed the first wristband into the crowd, right in front of me and I somehow

missed it

Dave Mustaine looked at me for a second like "Dude, your 6'4'' and your in Japan

Let's try this again"

And he tossed another wrist band, this one basically an underhand lob right to me

and I caught it

I also retrieved a pick from the bass player

Good times!

I'M TALL

I'm tall

I hate being tall

No one likes tall people

You treat us like freaks

You make us compete with each other in a little thing called the NBA

That's all we got

The NBA

That's the only cool place for tall people to hang out

Before the NBA we were screwed

Before that we were basically lepers

That's what tall people are

Lepers who can dunk

Throughtout history you've ostracized us

In books and literature

Look at Frankenstein

Poor guy

He'd make a great power forward

And what did you do to him?

You chased him thru the streets with pitchforks

For shame!

For shame

So he's scared of fire

So what?

We've all got problems

You people are no better

$3 DOLLAR JAMES

I was in a bar on Capitol Hill a while back

It's a pizza joint with a bar in the back

I like the pizza but the bar scene there is pretty douchy

That includes the bartender

Here's why I say that

I'm in the bar sitting in an open seat

The bartender serves the other people around me

Then he goes to the opposite end of the bar and starts serving people who are in a line

I feel ignored

So I get up and get in the line that he is serving

While I'm standing in  line, someone takes the seat I was sitting in

Then when it's my turn to be served in line, the bartender goes over to the seat that

I was sitting in and serves the person there

He then continues to ignore me

Fed up, I go

"Hey! Can I order a drink!?"

He goes

"What do you want?"
I go

"Rolling Rock"

He goes

"$3 dollars"

So, I pull out a stack of ones (at least $10 in ones) and I crisply peel of $3 dollars

And hand it to him

No tip!

Yeah, see if he messes with $3 dollar James again

CHARLES MANSON DENIED PAROLE

Charles Manson denied parole, Bay Area summer camp to abandon forehead-

swastika carving contest

TENNESSEE CREATIONISM

Lawmakers in Tennessee recently passed a law allowing creationism to be taught in

science classes

And regardless of how you feel about that, the kids aren't complaining

'Cuz that means science classes are only 7 days long now

6 actually, they take Sundays off

They're lazy, just like the Lord

MAYONAISSE

I like mayonaisse

There's a big controversy surrounding mayonaisse

There are people out there who don't like it

I know people who don't like mayonaisse 'cuz it reminds them of cum

Or it looks like cum

And you know, maybe mayonaisse looks like cum

But it doesn't taste like cum, right?

I mean, I dunno what cum tastes like

But I'm pretty sure compared to mayonaisse there's a difference

And I've never been confused

I can't tell you the last time I ate a sandwich then went

"Hey, that was really good

But next time could you not put any cum on my sandwich?

Tasted kinda funny

I thought it was mayonaisse for a second"

BLAKE GRIFFIN

I like watching basketball

I like that dude for the LA Clippers

Blake Griffin

Have you seen this guy?

He's fuckin' awesome, dude

He dunks over everybody

With authority

It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen

And everytime Blake Griffin throws down a monster jam that ends up on

Sportscenter

I like to turn to the person next to me and go

"He's half white

You know what I'm sayin'?

Look at 'em

Look at this guy

Representin' huh?

I'm sure it's the white half that's responsible for his amazing leaping ability

White people have a longer Achilles tendon

Did you know that?

MALE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL

Scientists say they're close to creating a male contraceptive pill after successful studies

with mice

Finally!

Yeah, I bet the mice are glad they don't have to wear condoms anymore