SURVIVOR

This guy

Who won the first season of Survivor

Just got out of jail

For failure to pay back taxes on the $1 million dollars he won on the show

So really, this guy just starred on a totally different show by accident

CBS smash hit ''Who Wants To Go To Prison?''

If this guy had a better agent he coulda got some other roles while he was in jail

You're sitting at home watching MSNBC Lockup Raw

And you're like

''Isn't that the guy who got malaria and ate a wild pig on Survivor?''

DAD WAS A MAGICIAN

I come from a long line of entertainers

My dad was a magician

And after I was born he performed his greatest trick

He disappeared

DATING IN SEATTLE

Dating has been kind of a nightmare for me in Seattle

I dated a girl awhile back that was bipolar

And had an STD

That was fun

That was like trying to fuck a mountain lion with rabies

I didn't know what was going on

I wanted to make it work though

So I got a PhD in psychology

And a lifetime supply of penicillin

'Cuz I thought we had something

But I was wrong

This girl was trouble

She burned everything in her path

At least half of Seattle

And most of Tacoma

Where do you think the aroma in Tacoma comes from?

It's her doing the splits

PALESTINE

Palestine wants to be recognized as a separate country from Israel

The Palestinians are basically Muslims who live in a series of Israeli military checkpoints

And I don't think they have a chance in Abraham's Hell of getting their own country

But if they do

There's gonna be some pissed off people in Israel

Shit they're already pissed off

Just by the idea of them having their own country

And watching the news reports

I gotta say

I haven't seen a group of Jews this angry

Since Kevin Costner went overbudget on Waterworld

JERRY SANDUSKY

Jerry Sandusky's misconduct at Penn State is prolly the first time

Someone got sexually abused without going to a frat party

Or Sunday school at a Catholic Church

But let's not forget

Jerry Sandusky loves football

First and foremost

He loves fucking kids

But he loves football even more

Jerry Sandusky loves every kind of football

He loves tackle football

Flag football

Two hand touch

That's prolly his favorite

A lot of people were wondering why Joe Paterno didn't report Jerry Sandusky

When he first learned of the allegations

And that's 'cuz Joe Paterno doesn't believe in the prevent defense

QUIT SMOKING WEED

I used to smoke a lot of weed

Sometimes I wish that the bong was a musical instrument

'Cuz growing up I was always in my room

Practicing

I could play the bong like a one note saxophone man

But I had to quit smoking weed

'Cuz I been looking for a job

But I can't find a job

So now I quit looking for a job

And I'm trying to find some weed

EATING HEALTHY

You ever have friends who try to pretend like they eat healthy?

They're always telling you how healthy they eat

But then you hang out with them

And all that shit goes out the window?

Its just lies, you know

Like you're hanging out

Getting drunk

And your friend goes

''Dude, I'm hungry''

''Okay, you wanna go to Mickey D's?''

And they're like

''No dude

Let's not go to McDonalds, okay?

I'm trying to eat healthy

And they're french fries are made from genetically engineered potatoes

And the hamburger buns are made from enriched white flour

Let's go somewhere else''

So you're like

''Okay, well

Where do you wanna eat then?''

''Um, let's go to Arby's''

What!?!?

NEWPORTS

I used to smoke Newports when I was in the Navy

But I quit a couple years ago

Every now and then I get the craving for a cigarette

So I approach someone on the street

And offer them a dollar for a smoke

And 9 times outta 10

They say

''Hey, dont worry about it''

And they give me the cigarette for free

Pretty cool, huh?

So now, I've been approaching women on the street

And offering them $100 dollars to have sex with me

And 9 times outta 10...

I get arrested for soliciting prostitution

ARMENIAN BRADY BUNCH

I come from a big family

I'm the youngest of 5 kids on my mom's side

And the oldest of 2 kids on my dad's side

It's the Armenian Brady Bunch

We used to have cigarettes and lamb for breakfast

Wash it down with some freshly squeezed pomegranate juice

Mmmm yummy!

My oldest sister is a generation apart

And thru the miracle of teen pregnancy she had my nephew

Before my mom had me

So my nephew's older than me by 4 years

And my nephew's a jerk

He used to grab me in the headlock and go ''Who's your uncle?

Who's your uncle!?''

I'd be crying ''You are!

Your my uncle''

I'd get him back though

I'd grab his birth certificate and go ''Who's your daddy?

No seriously, who's your daddy?

It doesn't say here

It's blank''

THERE'S A FREUDIAN SLIP IN HERE SOMEWHERE

NFL STRIKE

Well it looks like the NFL strike is over

So there's gonna be an NFL season this year

I don't really give a fuck

But a lot of people are really excited about this

And I remember a couple of months ago

Ray Lewis (who's an NFL football star) said that

''If there wasn't an NFL season this year

The crime rate across the country would go up''

And I found this disturbing

'Cuz I wasn't sure if he was referring to the crime rate

Amongst the fans or the players

WAFFLE HOUSE STRIPPERS

I was talking to this stripper

She introduced herself as Gia

But it was loud as hell

I thought she said Jan

I go

'Your name is Jan?'

She goes

'Yeah, my name is Jan

That's Margaret

We're waffle house strippers

Welcome to the International House of Poledancers'

I ordered the Moons Over My Hammy

SHITTY BUILDING

I live in a shitty building

My neighbors are shitty

This is a letter that I got on my front door one day

"January 2012

Mr. Milton,

Over half a dozen tenants have expressed disapproval in your behavior and concern for

your well-being.

Tenants of the Alps Apartments , both new and old residents, report feeling "unnerved"

by you or "scared" of you.

Tenants have reported observing you frequently under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

Several female residents have reported that you often make "threatening eye contact",

which makes them feel unsafe.

Although these claims have not been substantiated, it is our obligation to inform you that

the Seattle Police Department has been notified that you pose a risk for sexual predatory

behavior.

It is understood that you have an embarrassing job, zero education, no girlfriend, zero

friends, and are obviously bald.

Although these are all reasonable causes for serious depression, this does not excuse

hostile behavior which makes other Alps residents feel that their personal safety may be

in jeopardy.

Tenants are not responsible for your personal failures and physical ugliness.

It is our recommendation that you think critically about why you became an

underacheiver, and what steps you may take in order to stop being a lifeless loser.

You will be evicted from the Alps Apartments if other residents continue to report

feeling threatened.

Alps MGMT"

I got into it with my next door neighbor down in the laundry room awhile back

She was using both washers

And she was a total bitch when I asked her

How much longer it was gonna be

She goes

'You'll just have to come back later'

And she shut the door in my face

And I didn't understand what her problem was until the other day

When I saw her walk out of her apt holding hands with another woman

Then it hit me

She's a lesbian!

That's why shes so unhappy!?

'Cuz she got all agro with me in the laundry room

There was like an alpha male vibe that didn't make sense at the time

But then I saw her with her gf

And I realized

'Oh, she hates me 'cuz I have a dick'

And you'd think that she wouldn't feel threatened by my boner

I mean

Compared to me she has so much going for herself

She's got a job

A girlfriend

Clean laundry

All the things a woman is looking for in another woman

She drives a sports utility vehicle

A big one

With a V8

She's clearly compensating for something

To get her back for the laundry room incident

I went down to the garage

And put some truck nuts on her car

They were gone a week later

So I don't know how much mileage they got

But it just makes me smile to think about people driving

On the freeway next to Chaz Bono in a Pathfinder with truck nuts

JAPANESE BEER

Since I live in Chinatown

I been shopping at Uwajimaya

An Asian grocery store

And it's cool because they have all authentic Asian food

And beers from all over Asia

I been getting this Japanese beer lately

It's delicious

It's good beer

And it gives you that liquid courage

When I get drunk off this Japanese beer

I feel like I can fight anything

Even radiation

RETARDED REPUBLICANS

Rick Santorum's daughter has Trisomy 18

Which is like Down's Syndrome but worse

They have webbed fingers and toes

It's a flipper baby

Rick Santorum has a flipper baby

Which I think is hilarious

So to recap

Rick Santorum has a retarded kid

Sarah Palin has a retarded kid

Michelle Bachmans kid... has a retarded mom

There's a pattern here!

Republicans are retarded!?!?

It's 'cuz they only breed with each other

They're just hillbillies with money

They're Beverly Hillbillies

Remember that show?

It's about a dumb ass family from Texas with oil money

Now why does that sound familiar?

Who else you got?

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney's got Crohn's disease

Which means his stomach has trouble absorbing nutrients

He's also Mormon

Which means his brain has trouble absorbing logic and rational thought

AMERICAN JOBS ACT

If anyone else out there is unemployed, don't worry!

President Obama is coming out with a new jobs plan

The American Jobs Act

And they say that this is a short term plan

Designed to keep the economy from falling back into a recession

By bringing the unemployment rate down to 8% by re-election time

So it sounds like Obama's jobs plan

Is really just designed to help keep Obama from becoming unemployed

BARACK OBAMA

It looks like Barack Obama is doing a good job as president

That makes me glad

'Cuz when I wanna get fucked by a black guy

I think I'll just commit a felony

RAISING KITTENS

I got a new job

I comfort old ladies when they're lonely

I raise kittens for a living

STANDUP FOR DIVERSITY

So I was down at the Comedy Underground a couple of weeks ago

And they were having a special comedy show

It was NBC's Stand Up for Diversity Showcase

And they told me that I couldn't be on the show

'Cuz it was a diversity showcase

Meaning specifically for minorities

So I said

''Alright

Well, I'll be back in 50 years''

SWEDISH MEDICAL CENTER

I noticed that a lot of the condos around the Swedish Medical Center are for senior citizens

It's old people housing

Which is convenient for the hospital

Since the ambulances don't have to go that far

They can save money on gas

BLACK LUNG

A lot of the coal miners in W Virginia are still getting black lung

They used to think it was from the carbon dust down in the mines

But they did some research

And found out that coal miners were actually getting black lung from smoking menthol

cigarettes

KOMO NEWS

I was watching KOMO news the other day

I like KOMO news over the other news stations

They have a cool helicopter

That's how I make most of my life decisions

I'm very informed

Anyways, there was this lady on KOMO news

Down in Kent

She got her house broken into

But all they stole was her mom's ashes

And a martini set

And that's it

That's a pretty bizarre combination

You know there's some dumb ass criminals out there

But who's dumb enough to risk a five to ten for that?

Your telling me these burglars break into this lady's house

And go

''Quick

You get the shaker tin

I'll get the old lady

Alright, let's get the fuck outta here!''

Doesn't add up

I think meth was involved

It happened in Kent right?

BURKA-STOCKS

What do you call a pair of sandals worn by a Muslim woman who works on Wall Street?

Burka-stocks