WATERBOARDING + MOTORBOATING

I went thru a period of time where I was getting words and concepts mixed up

Like, every time I'd be watching the news

And they'd be talking about waterboarding

I'd be thinking motorboating, for some reason

Which means I'm missing a really big part of that news story, right?

I'm just sitting at home going

"What's the big deal?

Guantanamo Bay sounds pretty cool

Did you guys hear about this?

They've got free motorboating down there

I gotta get in on that"

It's just a good thing I was never in the CIA

Or we'd REALLY be losing the War on Terror

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: MARCH 12

March 12, 1990

Gandhi leads march against the British monopoly on salt

That march woulda been alot easier with the proper amount of electrolytes

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

I am thankful that The Walking Dead uses horror movie tropes from the 80's

IRON DOME

Is the 'Iron Dome' a circumcision reference?

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Daylight savings time in Seattle is an oxymoron

THIRD EYE BLIND

In addition to being spiritually myopic

The lead singer of Third Eye Blind is also tone deaf

TIME MACHINE + ROLLIE FINGERS

If I had a time machine

I would go back in time to kill Hitler

Or Rollie Fingers

Hipster mistaches are also a crime against humanity

KATT WILLIAMS AT TARGET

I have also wanted to slap someone who worked at Target

Or who was at a Target
 

Or because I was at a Target

FAMILY BILLED FOR LATE AMBULANCE

Family billed for ambulance that arrived too late

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/man-billed-ambulance-arrived-too-190428587.html
 

Initial probe reveals Metro bus driver behind the wheel

COMEDY INTERVENTION

Trying to organize a comedy intervention

I have a friend who won't stop doing his 'mustache chunk'

SPLIT PEA SOUP

Just had split pea soup for dinner. I'm 70 yrs old!

DRONES IN THE US

Unmanned drones to begin patrolling US skies

http://vigilantcitizen.com/latestnews/unmanned-drones-to-patrol-u-s-skies-in-near-future/
 

Upon hearing this, Pakistani-Americans across the country cancelled their outdoor
 

wedding plan

JUAN VALDEZ

Juan Valdez was the Pablo Escobar of coffee

 

BUTTHOLE HUMOR

I do really good butthole humor

EARTH DAY

Earth Day is Sunday April 22nd

BP, Royal Dutch Shell continue to split remaining 364 days

PICKUP ARTIST VIA EMAIL

I'm trying to meet women

I signed up for pickup artist training via email

So the pussy should start rolling in any day now

KANYE WEST

I think it's crazy that Kanye West is having a baby with Kim Kardashian

That's just nuts to me because Kanye West is one of the coolest guys in the world,

right?

I just don't understand it

I've been led to believe that Kanye West is so much cooler than I'll ever be

So your tellin' me that after all this time he still ends up falling in love with the wrong

chick?

I mean

Kim Kardashian

C'mon man

She's fucked everybody

There are guys who play 6th man for the New Jersey Nets who've fucked Kim

Kardashian

CAPITOL HILL + VALUE VILLAGE

I like to hang out on Capitol Hill so I can see what clothes are trending at Value

Village

$3 dollar T-shirts, apparently

GAY COUSIN

I have a gay cousin

And growing up we didn't know he was gay

We just thought he was kinda weird

'Cuz he'd always sit down to pee in the snow

TECHNICOLOR CLASSICS

I was watching tv the other day

And you know how late at nite the programming gets more sexual?

They'll start playin' like the soft core T and A stuff

And that used to be only on the premium channels like HBO and Showtime

But I've been noticing even the basic cable channels are doin' that now

Like I was watching Turner Classic Movies

Which normally plays a lot of the Technicolor classics from the 50's and 60's

But it was like 2 in the morning

So I found myself watching this movie Spurtacus

Little bit different from the original

But it came on after Ben Hur Over

And was followed by Lawrence of A Labia

So it was kind of an interesting nite of programming

Next week TNT is gonna be playing Schindler's Fist

So I'm gonna check that out

My favorite show is on the Hallmark Channel

It's a show about angels who intervene in the lives of their relatives

It's called Touched By An Uncle

NASA ROVER

NASA rover fires laser at tennis ball sized Martian rock

Scoreboard for $3 billion dollar game of Roshambo: Rover 1, Mars 0

JEWISH CARPENTER

I think the moral of the greatest story ever told is that being a Jewish carpenter sucks

When your last day on the job you get nailed to a big piece of wood, it's time to find

a new employer

That's a pretty shitty severance package

If Jesus was smart he woulda went to law school

Or at least joined a union

But instead he got crucified

And here's my question

Was the crown of thorns really necessary at that point?

DOING COMEDY FOR FAME

It cracks me up when comedians talk about what they're gonna do if and when

they become famous

'Cuz that's a long, brutal, shitty road

To me, doing comedy to become famous makes about as much sense as being a

bodybuilder

And blowing other dudes just for the protein

You know what I mean?

There's easier ways to get what you want

Without humiliating yourself

No offense if blowing other dudes is your thing

I'm just saying standup comedy can be a humbling experience

And I prefer to swallow my pride

ATHIEST RAPPER

One of my friend's is an atheist rapper

When he wins a Source award he won't have anyone to thank

WISH I WAS BLACK

Sometimes I wish I was black

If I was a black guy, I could say the most misogynistic shit in the world

And people would never call me a douchebag

They'd call me a rapper

DAILY AFFIRMATIONS

Pussy is more important than comedy