HIGGS-BOSON

Scientists working with that supercollider are pretty sure they found the Higgs-Boson

In quantum mechanics, the Higgs-Boson is known as the "God particle"

It has never been observed and many people doubt it even exists

Coincidence?

GLOBAL WARMING

I got into an argument with this hippie chick about global warming

I call her a hippie chick but really she's more like a Republican who smokes weed

She's Ann Coulter with a drug problem

 

And she was saying that the leading cause of global warming isn't the exhaust from cars

Or factories

It's actually methane gas

Which comes from cows farting

Just a bunch of cows sitting around shitting their pants

That is what's going to ruin the planet

According to her

And you know

I'm not an expert here

But I think if it means saving the planet

Maybe we should stop feeding these cows Mexican food

Maybe the mondo burrito isn't the way to go here

My mom is looking forward to global warming

She says it won't be long before everyone knows what menopause feels like

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE

I love passive aggressive people

That's why I moved to Seattle

I was intrigued

You mean there's a place where people can be dickheads to each other without being

called an asshole in return?

How much is a plane ticket?

I need to be there

So I can learn more

'Cuz I'm not very good at being passive aggressive

It sucks not being good at something that everyone does

I was in a bar a while back

And I didn't have my phone on me

And I didn't know what time it was

So I ask this guy

And he goes

"Yeah, I guess no one wears a watch anymore

It's 12:15"

And I was like that's it

That's what passive aggressiveness is right there

In some cities they're assholes

Like New York

Maybe if I was in New York they wouldn't give me the time

But in Seattle they'll give you the time

They'll just make you feel shitty about it for asking

The worst thing about passive aggressive people is that you can't call them on it,

right?

Like that's part of the rules of passive aggressive behavior

If you call someone out for being passive aggressive then you've lost

You've lost face

It's essentially how women behave

How women treat each other

And whenever a woman makes another woman lose her cool

She's automatically the winner

Your only move is to be passive aggressive back

But I can't

I can't do it

'Cuz part of being passive aggressive is that you have to hold a little bit in

And that's how you get cancer

By holding in that negative emotion

You have to get it out

You have to share the malignant parts of your personality with others.

That's what reality TV is all about

Imagine a world where everyone was Nigel Crane from Frasier

Fucking boring right?

That's why we need Mike the Situation to rescue us from the status quo

LOU FERRIGNO

Lou Ferrigno is the white Mike Tyson

A huge, scary man who is betrayed by his vocal chords

DRILL INSTRUCTOR

In bootcamp, my drill instructor was a real hard ass

In order to prepare us for what the Navy was gonna be like he made us line up

everyday

And he'd be like

"Alright fucksticks

Repeat after me

This is my Budweiser

There are many like it but this one is mine!"

DOUCHEBAG OLYMPICS

It's pretty hard to provide quality customer service when you're dealing with shitty

people

And when I worked at Starbucks I dealt with alot of shitty people

I'm pretty sure the customers in my store were secretly competing in the douchebag

Olympics

I wanted to hand out scorecards but I woulda ran outta perfect 10's really quick

EMPTY TABLES

I'd like to thank my friends and family

And all the people who love me for coming out and showing some support

 

TIME WARP

You ever get home

And smoke some weed that's stronger than you had anticipated?

An hour later you're standing in front of an empty refridgerator

 

And it feels like you got off work yesterday?

Let me tell you something

When you time warp into the kitchen

That's the good shit right there

POOR MAN'S CORONA

Are you guys drinking tonite?

I got my drink

This is a PBR with a lime

They call that the poor man's Corona

So, cheers and salancha!

19 MINUTE CLOSER

Hey, looks like I got the light

Which means it's time for me to launch into my new 19 minute closer

So buckle your safety belts!

ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD

Chinatown's kind of a rough neighborhood

My buddy calls it The Wire

 

'Cuz theres always a stabbing or a drug deal gone bad

I'ts three in the morning and people are yelling in the streets

"Oh, its baking soda

Goddamit!"

Sometimes when I leave my house at nite

I'm not sure if I should call a cab or an ambulance

Usually I just call the ambulance

'Cuz if I dont need it chances are someone else will

SLAUGHTERHOUSES

So I was watching this documentary on Netflix about slaughterhouses

And it was pretty gnarly

'Cuz they would show footage from inside the farms

It was really disturbing

 

I mean

I'm still gonna eat meat

Because it's delicious

But it bothered me for about an hour and a half

The movie was 98 minutes

RIDING THE BUS

I ride the bus a lot

'Cuz I cant afford a car

And luckily for me

Riding the bus is relatively inexpensive

Sorry, did I say riding the bus?

I meant being stripped of your dignity

 'Cuz I forget how filthy the buses are

 

But then I pay $2.25

And its like

"Oh yeah

This is a soup kitchen on wheels

I forgot about that"

NO LAUNDROMATS/CHINATOWN

I had trouble finding clean clothes to wear today

The washing machines in my apt building are broken and there's no laundromats in my

neighborhood

Did I mention that I live in Chinatown?

No laundromats in Chinatown

What?

Theres a Popeye's in Kent

 

Louis Vuitton stores in Bellevue

 

But no laundromats in Chinatown

We need more stereotypical city planners in Seattle

They seem to be everywhere else

MICROPHONE

Can you imagine the life of a comedy club microphone?

Everyday at least 10-15 complete strangers putting their hands all over you

 

This microphone's dirtier than a stripper with low self-esteem

Trust me, I've done the research

FOSTER HOMES

I spent time living in foster homes as a kid

For those of you that don't know

A foster home is basically a family on welfare

Except no one's related

But even though no one's related

We still did all the things a real family would do

Like, we watched TV together

We celebrated birthdays

 

We were filmed naked

You know, just regular stuff

Like every family, right?

JOKE BOMBS

Last time I told that joke

It bombed so bad

Carlos Mencia considered stealing it

 

HALF JEWISH/HALF CHINESE

My friend is half Jewish and half Chinese

He just got busted for money laundering

 

His family built the railroads to Auschwitz

YOGI BERRA-ISM

We don't care as much about people as we think they do

FENG SHUI

I like the Comedy Underground

Four brick walls and a basement ceiling

This room has the feng shui of an abandoned mining shaft

Last time I was here

I got heckled by a dead canary

 

CAR ACCIDENT

Thank you

Boy, this is going great

I haven't had this much fun since the car accident!

 

COMPLIMENTING MY SHIRT

I had someone compliment a shirt I was wearing yesterday and it made me feel good

Until I realized that it was a shirt that my mom bought me

I'm 32 yrs old

And the only compliments I get from women are when I wear clothes that my mom still

sends me

 

I'm in big trouble folks

This isn't gonna end well, I can feel it in my bones

UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE

We got alot of comedians here tonite

30 comedians, man

Yeah, I didn't know the unemployment office was open this late

CABLE COMPANY

I used to work for the cable company

 

You know what I learned working for the cable company?

I learned that a remote control is the best laxative you can give to an old person

Seriously

Old people are terrified of technology

One time I was doing this old guy's cable

And I gave him the Comcast remote with like 50 buttons on it

He just about shit his pants, man

This guy was old too

And he was crippled

'Cuz he was a veteran

He had gotten his leg blown off in World War II

Yeah

I handed him the remote

And boy was he stumped

BUMPING INTO EX

I bumped into one of my exes a while back

That was awkward

'Cuz she looked great

She looked better than she did when we were together

She was wearing makeup

She got her hair done

She got her nails done

'Cuz she broke the last pair when she ripped my heart outta my chest

BEING SINGLE IS TOUGH

Being single is tough, man

Especially when your broke like me

Being a guy without money

When it comes to dating

Being a guy without money

That's like being a fat girl that doesn't like giving blowjobs

Your'e completely useless

No it's true

I've done the research

I got graphs and charts

It's all documented