LIKE A VEGAN

Madonna's coming out with a TV show

It's a cooking show for vegetarians

And people who are lactose intolerant

It's called Like A Vegan

THESPIAN VS LESBIAN

What's the difference between a thespian

& a lesbian?

Lesbians like pussy

LISTERINE

You gotta take care of your teeth, man

I take care of my teeth

I use Listerine

You guys use Listerine?

You gotta be careful with that stuff

If you gargle with Listerine for too long

It turns into fire

I didn't know that

I'm gargling with Listerine

And my gums are melting

I'm like

I think its working!

There's no warning about this

Nothing on the label that says

'Hey, this product contains napalm'

MC HAMMER

MC Hammer

He was rich

MC Hammer had like ten $5 million dollar racing horses

Gold faucets

Other rappers wear gold as jewelry

It was just a plumbing fixture to this guy

The contractor gave him options

"Well, Mr Hammer

We can use copper

Or galvanized steel"

Hammer got pissed

Muthafucka I want gold in my sink!

MC Hammer had so much valuable shit

That's what that song Can't Touch This was all about

His house was like a museum

He had to walk around making sure people didn't touch his shit

Everything was roped off

MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS

They say that the Pacific NW has the highest rate of multiple sclerosis in the world

Did you know that?

Like Richard Pryor

That's what he had

Richard Pryor had multiple sclerosis

The highest rate of MS in the world

Where are they all at?

I don't see that many wheelchairs

Where's all the telethons?

I don't see any telethons

All they got is like 2 billboards

And I'm like

'I think it's the fucking weather dude

It saps your strength'

And will to live

You know?

It's like

'Why should I get outta bed?

I'm surrounded by pale pasty faced cunts

And no sunshine'

You get so used to curling up in bed with depression

That your fucking spine just stays that way

Your spine never straightens out

And bam!

You got MS

You go to the doctor

He's a sarcastic fuck

'Well, Mr Milton

You got multiple sclerosis'

'What does that mean doc?'

'Well, it means more than one sclerosis

You got multiple of 'em

All over your spine

Your fucked in other words

We tried to warn you

Didn't you see the billboard we put up?'

NBA STRIKE

The NBA is returning

They were in a lockout over money issues

And I guess they got that resolved

'Cuz the NBA is gonna start around X-mas

Which is perfect timing

I was getting tired of watching all those other millionaires

Compete with each other at the Republican National Debates

How boring was that shit?

You know, I don't wanna hear what you have to say unless you can dunk a basketball

CAVALIA

Did anyone go to see that Cirque de Soleil show Cavalia?

You know the one I'm talking about

With the horses and the tent

On the billboard Larry King calls it 'the greatest show I've ever seen'

So naturally I had to go see it

Because me and Larry King have so much in common

Our hobbies include getting married and quadruple bypass surgery

People wonder why Larry King had a quadruple bypass surgery

Dude he's been married like 7 or 8 times

You'd have some clogged arteries too if you ate that much wedding cake

Larry King's almost deaf too

He's got tinnitus in both ears

Which means Larry King's church bells never stop ringing

LIBERTARIAN PARTY

In N Dakota the Libertarian Party is trying to get on the ballot for the next election

But the Federal Court says they can't get on the ballot unless they get 7000 signatures

Which is hard

It's hard to get 7000 Libertarian signatures

Each time they try to get a signature someone pokes a shotgun out the front door

And says

''Get the fuck off my property asshole!''

NY PORT AUTHORITY

My buddy just got a job with NY Port Authority

On his first day of work they gave him two pairs of boots

The first pair were leather

They said

"You'll wear these to work everyday"

The second pair were concrete

They said

                                            "You'll wear these if you don't pay your union dues"

SCORPIO

I'm a Scorpio

I've noticed that being a Scorpio has a lot of stigma attached to it

I was talking to this girl

And I told her I was a Scorpio

She said

'Uh oh'

You know

Like Scorpios can't be trusted or something

Which is ridiculous

I mean

I ended up cheating on her repeatedly

But that isn't because I'm a Scorpio

It's because she had a roommate who swallowed

I'm just kidding

That isn't even true

I made it up

Which means that technically it's a lie

So yeah

I guess Scorpios are untrustworthy

WALMART

I'm tired of people always trashing Walmart

Saying that they use sweatshop labor over in Asia

I don't really think that's fair

You got these old lady's working in a sweatshop

Working in front of a sewing machine 15 hrs a day

Hey, at least she's got a fucking job

Maybe they're not paying her union fucking scale or whatever

But at least she's making some money

What else would she be doing?

She's a 60 yr old lady

She's too old for the sex trade

That's her daughter's job

WASHING MACHINES FROM THE 50'S

You can tell that washing machines haven't changed much since the 50s

'Cuz you're still supposed to separate the whites from the colors

OLLIE NORTH

I heard Ollie North from the Iran Contra scandal is a DJ now

And apparently he's the worst DJ ever

Anytime someone makes a request

He says

"I have no record of that"

OSCAR MAYER BOLOGNA

I was at the grocery store

And I saw this package of bologna

And in the upper right hand corner of the package it said

"Oscar Meyer Bologna

For Over 120 Years"

Which I thought was pretty cool

So I bought it

But it wasn't until I got home and started eating it

That I realized

That's actually the expiration date

ROOFTOP BBQ'S

Now that it's nice out

I don't know what to do with myself

It's summertime

It's time to have fun

And enjoy the weather

And if you live in a nice building they have like

BBQs on the roof

So you can hang out

And introduce yourself to the people in your building

Like

"Hey you're the guy in the elevator that I try not to make eye contact with

How's it going?

Long time no see"

Or

"Hey, you're the chick that always parks in my spot

It's nice to finally meet you

No please

Don't get up

I mean

I was sitting

But its obviously your seat now"

And when it's time to leave you can be like

"Alright neighbors

Well, this has been awesome

And I guess I'll see you guys the next time

The fire alarm goes off at 4 in the morning

Wouldn't be the first time"

PATRICE O'NEAL

Comedian Patrice O'Neal died recently

He had a stroke and died

And I actually had tickets to see him at the Parlor before he had a stroke

Which reminded me of last year

When I had tickets to see Greg Giraldo at the Parlor

Then he OD'd on drugs and died

But the good news is

I just got tickets to see Dane Cook at the Parlor

Fingers crossed

STADIUM FORMERLY KNOWN AS CLINK

It used to be Qwest Field

Now its Century Link Field

Pretty soon it'll be “the stadium formerly known as Clink”

PRECIOUS OR THE COLOR PURPLE?

So I was watching that movie Precious the other day

Have you seen that one?

Where the black girl gets raped repeatedly

Or was that The Color Purple?

I always get those two confused

REMOTE CONTROL AIRPLANE

I got a remote control airplane

That's my new hobby

Remote control airplanes

I bought one on eBay

Cost me $10 million dollars

But it's special

It's the same kind of remote control airplane

Dick Cheney used on 911

It's big like that

Looks real

It's got a flight number

And a fake crew

With a fake passenger list

And what you do is drive it into a big building

Right before the insurance policy runs out

When I bought the plane on eBay

It came with a 10 year warranty for parts and labor

And a thank you note from the Illuminati

SIRI SOFTWARE & ABORTION CLINICS

Apples Siri software on iPhone can't locate abortion clinics

Users in New York searched pregnancy termination clinic on their iPhones

And Siri said it couldn't locate any

That software sucks

How hard is it to find a flight of stairs in New York City?

You gotta go old school at that point

"Your pregnant?

Alright

Meet me at the top of the Empire State Building"

SMOG HEADACHES

I used to get really bad headaches in LA

From the smog

The air quality sucks down there

I used to get asthma and shit

And after living in LA for 20 years

My doctor told me that I had the lungs of a 40 year old smoker

I didn't care though

I was just glad the organ transplant went smoothly

T-PAIN

What's T-Pain been up to lately?

I haven't heard from him in a while

Not that I'm complaining

That guy uses the robot voice so much

I thought he was a theoretical physicist in a wheelchair