SELLING SHIRTS

I'm gonna be selling some shirts out front

After the show

So stop by and say hi

I got small, medium, and large

It's the Hanes 3 pack

 

MEXICAN FAMILY

I'm originally from Los Angeles

I lived with a Mexican family in LA

I shared a room with everybody

It was rough, man

What Mexican family doesn't already have 7 kids?

I think Mr and Mrs Nava were trying to grow their own soccer team

ROOMATES

I'm glad I don't have roommates anymore

You sacrifice a lot when you have roommates

You exchange certain personal freedoms for cheaper rent

So with a roommate now you can afford cable

But you can't walk around the house naked

Maybe not such a big deal at first

But when it's July in Seattle

And you don't have air conditioning

Things can get a little awkward

Especially when your roommate comes home

And finds you watching I Love Lucy reruns without any pants on

You got some 'splaining to do

It's hard living with people

You ever wake up in the morning

And all you wanna do is eat a bowl of cereal

Only to find that someone ate all your fucking cereal?

Then when you confront them about it

"Oh sorry bro

I got hungry"

You got hungry?

Wow, what a coincidence!

Yeah, I had that same problem a few minutes ago

Figured I'd eat some cereal!

And there's only one way to solve this problem

I had to start buying food that no one else would eat

No more Lucky Charms

From now on its Grape Nuts or Mueslix

You ever had Grape Nuts?

I dunno why they call it that

There's no grapes in there

No nuts either

Just little tiny pieces of gravel

I had a bowl of Grape Nuts

It took me an hour to eat it

And I got lockjaw for a week

You ever had Mueslix?

You ever had stomach cramps?

It’s the same thing

Holy smokes

200 grams of fiber per serving

You might as well get kicked in the stomach by a horse for breakfast

HOT WATER HEATER

The hot water's only good for a couple minutes at a time in my apartment

So you start off taking a shower

And next thing you know your training for the Polar Bear Club

 

Everyday I have to make a decision

Do I wanna be clean or do I want hypothermia?

'Cuz you cant have both

BRUSSELS

I went to Brussels a couple years ago

When I took a trip I flew from  Seattle to Amsterdam

I was staying in Amsterdam

Then I got one of these train passes that's good for the Netherlands, Belgium and

Luxembourg

So I took the train from Amsterdam to Brussels, to see what was going on there

'Cuz I heard that in Brussels they have this bar, I believe it's called Delirium Cafe

It's in the Guinness Book of World Records, it has the most beers out of any bar in

the world

So I went there

It's like downstairs

You walk in and then go down into a basement

You know, just a regular bar

At the bar they have this thick binder just full of sheets and sheets and sheets of all

the different beers that they have

And you just pick the ones that you want and the dude will go in the back and grab 'em

for you

But I had no idea what was what

So I just had the bartender pick a couple different ones for me

And I would drink those

One of my favorites is this one called Duchess de Bourgogne

It's really good

There's actually a place or two in Seattle that has it

But it's really good beer

Dark, almost like a burgundy, purple color or something

It tastes good

So I did that

And I remember going into the train station

This was in central Brussels

And the stop before that is Brussels north

Pulling up into the Brussels north station I remember looking out the window and

seeing a red light district

So I don't know if I went there that day

Well no, I did go there that day

The first day I went to Brussels just to check it out

There was this one blonde with huge tits

Like, her tits were so big that I could see her tits while I was still on the train

Just big fake tits

So I went over there to talk to some of the girls, see how much they wanted

It was like 50 Euro, so almost a hundred bucks

I went back down a couple days in a row there

I would go to that bar, get some beers

Then there were a couple shawarma places so I got some shawarma

I brought some weed from Amsterdam

I would smoke that and I had one of the best days of my life

Probably THE best day of my life in Brussels

First I was walking around the red light district and I saw in one of the other...

So all these girls they sort of are in like, storefront windows

You know, like how mannequins would be in Macy's here but over there it's all sluts

I was walking by this one storefront and this brunette was wearing a slingshot bikini

with boots and long neon green fingernails

She was hot as fuck

Nice fake tits

So I went in and fucked her

Came really hard in her pussy

Her family was in the other room, that was kinda awkward

I didn't wanna make too much noise, you know

But here she is, sucking my cock and then I fucked her

Came in her pussy as hard as I could

And I just walked past her family, didn't.. no one made eye contact

I just walked out

Then I went over to that blonde bitch with the big fake tits that I could see from the train

Then I fucked the shit outta her

I remember when I was fuckin' her, I had her doggy-style facing.. I had her ass in the

air and there was a mirror by the bed

So I had her line up with her ass facing the mirror so I could look back and watch

myself fucking her

I remember I was fucking her doggy-style, I knew I was gonna cum

I just started moaning really loud "Oh yeah baby I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum in

your pussy baby!

Ugggghhhhhh!" Like that

Walking out and her room, she was also sharing this space with another girl

The other girl kinda gave me this weird look of like jealousy

I don't know what it was but she gave me this wierd look when I walked out

'Cuz I groaned real loud when I came in this girl's pussy

And then I waited a little while and there was this third girl

Black hair

Wearing thigh high white boots

She also had big tits (sensing a pattern here?)

I thought they were fake tits but it turns out they weren't

And this was, I actually couldn't cum

She was trying to help me cum and I couldn't cum

I was pissed off about that

I still paid her then left

I mean, I fucked her but I didn't bust a nut

So yeah, that was probably

Three girls in one day

Three of the hottest chicks ever in one day

So that was fun

What else?

I walked around the town square

It was really nice

Old cobblestone, you know

The town square had these big spires, buildings with big spires

It looked almost like churches

And that's pretty much all I did

Basically, it was like I was still in the Navy

I went and got drunk and fucked a bunch of whores

SEX PARTNERS = BOWLING

Having sex partners is a lot like bowling

I'm just trying to break a hundred

Also I've never gotten 3 tens in a row

Mostly gutterballs

BLACK ISSUES

I think it's funny how black people blame white people for all of their problems

Black people never take any responsibility for any of their shortcomings

AIDS is a huge issue in the black community

Guess what?

Louis Farrakahn says AIDS was invented by the white man

Crack cocaine

Created by the white man to destroy the black community

Standardized testing?

Another trick up the white man's sleeve

I mean, if your gonna blame white people for anything your not good at you should

also thank white people for the things that have improved the black experience

Like basketball

Basketball was invented by Dr. Joe Naismith, a white man

The Cadillac?

That was a white guy for sure

And I don't know how to say this but without the white man there would be no white

women

So please, give credit where credit is due

That is all

BOSTON

A couple years ago I received a text message from a couple of my buddies in the

Navy

One of my friends, whose name I can't even remember right now, lives in

Connecticut and invited me to come out there and hang out

Another one of my buddies lives in Boston, so I made a little 3 city swing trip

I flew into Hartford, Connecticut and hung out for a couple days there

I liked it, very country and reminded me of those travel books I used to look at when I

worked at the library

Specifically, it reminded me of the travel book from Vermont where everything is

rolling hills with orange, red, brown and green trees

I only spent like 2 days in Connecticut and then I caught a bus from Hartford to New

York city

I stayed there for 3 days and had a great time

Stayed at a Best Western in the Bronx, off the expressway

I spent Tuesday nite just walking all over New York, taking pictures and walking

until my feet hurt

Times Square

On Wednesday, I researched a bunch of stuff to do and ended up going to the

Comic Strip Live on the Upper East side (I think?)

Had a fun time there. At one point during the show, Sherrod Small pointed me out

from the crowd and asked me where I was from and what I was doing in New York

Then he asked me if I was a comedian and I said yes

He said I can tell

Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend

I said no

He said that's because you're busy chasing jokes instead of women, or something

like that

He was really great

Really funny dude and I really enjoyed the New York style of comedy where it was

hard to tell where the crowdwork ended and the bits began

It was very seamless transitions

There were a couple of comedians that I have seen on TV, Comedy Central and

whatnot

I remember one guy was doing his 5 mins during the "check drop"

Which is when the waitstaff were dropping off the checks

He was like Hey, Vic I can't believe you made me do the check spot

And I was like Man, this guy has been on TV and stuff and he's doing a shitty spot

on a Wednesday nite show... New York is rough!

On Thursday I went to do more sightseeing and take pictures

I went up to Harlem; to the Apollo Theater and then I ate at Sylvia's, which is a

famous soul food restaurant in Harlem

Apollo Theater

Then I took the train to Coney Island

I made a mistake by assuming that if I take any train to Brooklyn, the last stop HAD

to be Coney Island

And I was wrong

I remember catching the train and riding it into Brooklyn, the last stop being in

Flatbush

When I walked up the stairs outta the subway, I couldn't help but notice that

everyone I saw was black

And they were all looking at me like Um, you know where you at? You look lost white

boy

I still didn't pick up on it until I walked outta the subway and took a look around

Black people everywhere

As far as the eye could see

And I was literally the only white person

I was like Huh, Coney Island is pretty strange but whatever I'm just here to take

some pics and stuff

Then I realized that I didn't see a ferris wheel or anything anywhere

I walked like a block in every direction, no Coney Island

I finally realized that every train in Brooklyn doesn't go to Coney Island and I figured

when in Rome..

So I went to have lunch at Popeye's

Eat some fried chicken

Then I got back on the train and went to Coney Island, took some pics and then

headed over to the Village to take some pics there

Cyclone Rollercoaster

I wanted to get some pics of like the Cafe Wha? and stuff, where Hendrix got his

start

Cafe Wha?

But as I was in the Village, it started raining super hard and in order to escape the

rain I walked down into this bar in the Village

Figured I'd drink some beers and play some pool

A couple people ended up coming down there and I hung out with a bunch of people

Met a really cute Indian girl who went to NYU and lived in Tribeca

She said her dad was some sort of textile tycoon who owned Pelle Pelle and stuff

We ended up making out in front of the train station and then we caught the train to

what was supposed to be 14th st. station but somehow she said she made a mistake

so we jumped in a cab to get to the right train station

While we were in the cab we started making out again and I put my hand down her

pants and started fingerblasting the shit outta this bitch in the back seat of the cab

Then we got to the 14th st. station and we went down into the subway

Just to be a jackass, I jumped the turnstyle with her

No sooner than I did this than a police officer saw me and apprehended me

He took us to a police station inside the subway station and ran our ID's and stuff

Luckily he did not search me 'cuz I had a small bag of weed in my jacket which

surely would have been a little bit of a problem

Then he let us go after running our ID's and finding nothing

I ended up saying goodbye to her and making some sort of plan to get together the

next day

We exchanged numbers and I went back to my hotel room in the Bronx

I had trouble sleeping that nite 'cuz I was so excited about the possibility of hooking

up with her the next day

But of course, with my luck it was not to be

When I got ahold of her the next day, she said that she didn't want to see me but it

was nice to meet me blah, blah, blah

I ended up catching the Fung Wah bus from Chinatown to Boston to meet up with

my buddy Malloy

I got into Boston and that nite we hung out with some of his friends, went to a bar

somewhere in the suburbs

and then went back to this lady's house that he knew

We did some blow and stuff and played Guitar Hero

I ended up taking a little nap on the couch (I couldn't really sleep)

And the next morning we took off

Went to Dunkin' Donuts and then back to his house

I met his mom and dad then we got cleaned up and went downtown Boston, to

Gov't Center

We went to eat at Fanueil Hall (I think?) and watched some street performers

Then we went to a couple bars in the area, like The Bell In Hand

The Bell in Hand

While we were there I ended up hooking up with this blonde chick who took me

back to her place and I banged her hard for a long time but I couldn't cum

Finally she said let's just go to sleep

But again, I was so pumped up from having such a great time my first trip to

the east coast that I couldn't sleep

The next day we got up and she made me coffee and we watched Knocked Up,

oddly enough

I think she was trying to tell me something

I had my buddy come and get me around 4 o'clock in the afternoon and he gave

me a ride to the bus station

Where I ended up catching the bus back to Hartford, Connecticut to meet up with

my buddy Jared Carelli (I KNEW I WOULD REMEMBER HIS NAME!)

The next morning he gave me a ride and I took the plane back to Seattle

All in all, it was a great awesome trip

15TH ANNUAL TAEKWONDO CHAMPIONSHIP

When I lived in Japan I went to the 15th annual taekwondo championship tournament

I had a great time watching people beat the shit out of each other

Kidneys were punched, nuts were kicked

I had a great time

Doctors in white coats came out and flashed pen lights to check for pupil dilation,

which is an indicator of pain apparently

Several rounds of young Japanese pugilists culminated in the title bout

Two men enter, one man leave (with failure and disappointment creasing his Oriental

brow)

After the championship fight was won, they had a demonstration of kara-te power

In which, the sensei kicked wooden boards and shit

But like Bruce Lee said, "boards.. don't fight back"

I only got into one fight while I was in Japan

I was in a niteclub called Velfarre's, dancing with this girl and some Jap came

crashing into me

Supposedly on accident, but I'm at the point now where I don't believe that alot of

people's behavior towards me is an accident

So I crashed back into this asshole and lo and behold, he took offense!

He tried to kick me but he missed most of me and grazed me in the groin

Then I punched his stupid ass in the face and then security came over

I was drunk for sure but I explained to the guy (who was black; proving that no matter

where you are in the world, the niteclub security will be black) what happened and he

let me stay in the club

Pretty cool when I actually think about it

There is no niteclub in Seattle that would give me a second chance like that, even if it

wasn't my fault

So I continued to party at Velfarre and I remember that at some point after that the

Japanese guy and his friends were like, celebrating a victory

As if he had somehow won the fight

It was ridiculous and just as douchy as anything I have experienced here in Seattle,

which for my money is a pretty douchy place

Not saying that it's any more douchy than anywhere else but at least in other places

people are outgoing and boisterous with their douchebaggery

Here in Seattle, people are smug and quietly rightous

But I had some good times in those bars and niteclubs in Tokyo

Also had some good times in Hinodecho, or H-Town as we called it

That is where the red light district was at

ASIAN HOSTESS

I used to bartend at an Asian restaurant

And I remember there was a fine girl that was hostess       

And one day I was talking to her on my break

I said

"Hey Tiffany,

Why don't you give me your number

And we can go out some time"

And she was like

"Um, aren't you a little bit old for me?"

Which kinda hurt my feelings    

Getting shot down by a Korean just like my granddaddy

THE UNABOMBER

 Last week the University of Harvard celebrated

The class of 62 celebrated their 50 year class reunion

And their most famous/infamous alumni

Ted Kacynski the Unabomber can't be there

But he did mail them a care package

Exploding license plates probably

But it's the thought that counts

They won't let him use Classmates.com

FRIDAY AUGUST 3RD, 2012

Well, here I am once again at the old Comedy Underground in downtown Seattle, WA

It's an absolutely gorgeous day out today

And that's why I'm spending it in a basement!

'Cuz I've seen enough gorgeous days alright?

Yeah, fuck you you beautiful orange orb in the sky

People are walkin' around and talkin' and gettin' lattes and shit

Fuck that!

Fuck that, I'm eating a salad and drinking a beer in a room that is prolly 100 yrs old

Who knows how much shady shit has gone down in this exact spot I'm sitting in right

now

At any rate, we got Eddie Ifft in town and he's fun to watch

I learn from this dude 'cuz he doesn't give a fuck

He's got big cajones and he opens with child fucking bits and shit

Talks about whatever the fuck he wants

MARSHALL FUNDAMENTAL

I used to get out of school at 2:47

When I went to Marshall Fundamental

Down there in the old Pasadena, California!

Yeah man

We used to get out at 2:47 everyday

You had to wear pants at that school

Everyday

Pants

You couldn't wear shorts

There was a strict dress code

I don't even know why because it wasn't a private

It was a public school

And I don't know what fundamental means

But it wasn't like Pentecostal

It wasn't a religious thing

But we had to wear pants

Which up here in Seattle might not seem like a big deal in May or June 'cuz it's not

really that hot yet

But in fuckin' Southern California dude

May or June your balls are sticking to your pants

The sweats running down the crack of your ass

It's hot!

It's hot

Ladies whatever you got goin' on

There's seepage

Moisture is accumulating

And it was brutal dude

May and June

You had to wear pants

MORSE CODE

Ever get the feeling the guy who invented Morse code was a little anxious?