MICHAEL J FOX ON DWTS

Did you see Michael J Fox on Dancing With The Stars?

This guy loves to dance

Even when the judges were reading the score cards

Michael J Fox was still dancing

He was doing the Harlem shake

TERRIBLE INTERIOR DECORATOR

I was on a date with a girl

And we went back to her place

And I don't wanna sound nitpicky, you guys

But she was a terrible interior decorator

The carpet didn't match the drapes

TIM TEBOW

Tim Tebow

The virgin quarterback!

Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christain quarterback in the NFL

He plays for the Denver Broncos

And he prays before the game

He prays after the game

If they're losing he prays during the game

He'll drop down

And commune with the Lord

There's been a couple of times this season

Where the Broncos were down in the closing minutes of the game

And Tim Tebow prayed to God

And they ended up winning

Tim Tebow is finally proof that God cares about professional athletes

That or God is trying 2 win the over/under on a parlay in the AFC West

God's got a gambling problem

MOM AND KEITH RICHARDS

I'm getting older

And I noticed that the women in my family don't age well

Like my mother

She was a beautiful brunette when she was young

Now she looks like Keith Richards

Have you seen Keith Richards lately?

He was in that Pirates of the Caribbean movie

And they didn't need any special effects for him when all the pirates

turned into corpses

I mean, I love the guy

Don't get me wrong

But everytime I see Keith Richards skin

I get a craving for fried chicken

Some Popeyes

Extra crispy

CAMBODIAN GIRL

A lot of the foster homes I lived in had rules that didn't make sense

Like they'd tell us

"Either go outside and play all day

Or stay inside and watch TV

But you can't do both"

So we'd go outside and play all day

After awhile me and this Cambodian girl would get bored

And we'd play doctor

I was the doctor

And she was my patient

She'd pretend to be sick

So I'd have to take her temperature with my “thermometer”

Sometimes I couldn't get a good reading with my thermometer in her mouth

So I'd have to take her temperature rectally

And then compare

Make sure I was getting good numbers

Hey, I was the doctor

Just doing my job!

Just following the Hippocratic Oath

RICK PERRY

Did you guys know that Rick Perry graduated Texas A&M University

With a 2.22 GPA

A 2.22 GPA

Not exactly the honor roll

And he graduated with a degree in animal science

Yeah

Animal science

Like the Discovery Channel

This guy spent 4 years learning the same shit

Stoners do on a Tuesday nite with basic cable

And he barely passed

Barely made it man

Did you guys know that in 2002

As governor of Texas

Rick Perry vetod a ban on the execution of mentally retarded criminals

Because he didnt want George W Bush 2to have any competition

When he ran for re-election

CHINESE KID RAN OVER

Did you guys hear about that Chinese kid that got ran over in China?

This 2 year old kid got ran over on a busy street

And it's a terrible thing

Just a freak accident

'Cuz Chinese people are normally such good drivers!?

I didn't see this one coming at all!

Total curveball

But here's my question

Who let that poor kid run around in the street by himself?

Where are his parents?

Why wasn't he building iPhones in a factory with the rest of his family?

I mean there's a long chain of causality that needs to be examined 

before we lay blame

From what I understand the driver actually used his turn signal

Before switching lanes

And of course

This being the first Asian driver to EVER use his turn signal

It kinda threw everyone off

And I think that's what caused the accident

And the kid ended up dying in the hospital

So now theres only 4,999,999,999 Chinese people left in the world

BUM FLEX PASS

Is it me or is there a homeless person on every city block here in Seattle?

I swear to God

You can't even cross the street without getting hit up for money

It's a sidewalk toll

I'm sick of it

I'm sick of the sidewalk toll

I need the bum flex pass

Wouldn't that be cool if it was a thing?

The bum flex pass

It's a card that you can prepay

With a QR code so the bums can scan it with their iPhones

ME, EDDIE VEGA AND EDDIE COLLINS

I'm actually doing pretty good in life

Compared to some of the guys I grew up with

I was down in California with one of the guys I grew up with

He's doing alright I guess

He's on disability from the Army now

He hurt his back or something

But he was telling me about a couple of the other guys we knew

So there's me a comedian

Then there's this guy on disability for the rest of his life

Popping vicodins

And shit

There's another guy who's a meth addict

And former cross-dressing homosexual prostitute

I swear to God

Another guy Rob who no one's heard from

Last we heard he got arrested for passing bad checks

So he's gone

And last but not least

There's our friend Eddie Collins

Who's an atheist rapper

Not an atheist and a rapper

He raps about atheism

Which is prolly why no one's ever heard of him

Who wants to hear a guy rap about infinite universes

That's boring

Poor Eddie Vega though man

That's the guy I was telling you about who smokes meth

And used to blow dudes

I think about him whenever I have a bad show

And feel like my life sucks

Whenever I start to feel like my self-esteem is slipping away

I say

Well it could be worse

You could be like your old friend Eddie Vega

Smoking meth

And blowing dudes

And no offense if blowing other dudes is your thing

I'm just saying I would rather bomb a comedy show

I prefer to swallow my pride

'CUTE AS A BUTTON'

Cute as a button-

On a dirty trucker's radio

MGD 64

I saw an ad for MGD 64

Its a beer by the Miller brewing company

With only 64 calories in it

Coincidentally enough

I did a little research

And turns out human urine also contains exactly 64 calories

"PEDESTRIAN X-ING PROHIBITED"

'CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT'

Curiosity killed the cat-

Then a Vietnamese restaurant served em

'CRIME DOESN'T PAY'

Crime doesn't pay-

Bribing the police eats up most of the profits

"TRENCH WARFARE"

'COME OUT OF THE CLOSET'

Come out of the closet-

Which explains all those outfits

"HAIR RAMP"

'CAUGHT WITH YOUR HAND IN THE COOKIE JAR'

Caught with your hand in the cookie jar-

Better than being caught with your hand in your pants

"HARDWOOD FLOOR FERTILIZER"

'CAUGHT WITH HIS PANTS DOWN'

Caught with his pants down-

And he has good reason to be embarassed

"DEER PORN, MICHIGAN"

'YOU CAN'T SAY ENOUGH ABOUT HIM'

You can't say enough about him-

Unless it's a put down, then please continue

"I'M TOTALLY FRYIN' BALLS RIGHT NOW"

'YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS'

You can't teach an old dog new tricks-

It's better to just take 'em out back and shoot 'em

"OKAY, YOU GOT ME"