N KOREA MISSILE LAUNCH FAILURE

N Korea missile launch failure

Plans for epic Kim Jong-Il space burial on hiatus

NEW JERSEY MAYOR RESCUES NEIGHBOR FROM FIRE

New Jersey mayor rescues neighbor from fire, New Jersey cover band

EDDIE BRILL FIRED FROM LETTERMAN

Eddie Brill fired from booking Letterman for being misogynistic

Executives were gonna give the job to his wife but she's not allowed outta the kitchen

JANE GOODALL CHIMPANZEE MOVIE

Jane Goodall promotes 'Chimpanzee' movie

Gangbang porn will never be the same

GLADYS KNIGHT DWTS

Gladys Knight lost 60 lbs on Dancing With The Stars

The Pips lost 260 lbs

LEVON HELM DEAD FROM CANCER

Levon Helm dead from cancer

Doctor's didn't know how much time he had left

Drummers are always going too fast or too slow

NY FINANCIAL BUILDING EVACUATED

New York financial building evacuated over toy grenade, Buzz Lightyear taken in for

questioning

WAR ON TERROR

I think the War on Terror and the War on Drugs is the same thing

Thats why we're in Afghanistan

It's one of the only places in the world where it's legal to get stoned

 

That's actually a women's rights joke

Not one of my favorites

And apparently, not very popular with you guys either

I'm trying to raise awareness

But whatever

COLOMBIAN PROSTITUTE SCANDAL

Secret Service agents involved in Colombian prostitute scandal

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/dania-suarez-secret-servi_n_1974111.html#slide=1654210

Insist national security compromised during 'Operation Puta Muerte'

PLEASE TIP YOUR BARTENDER

Please tip your bartender: he needs beer money

S. AFRICAN MINERS KILLED

S. African president declares week of mourning for platinum miners killed during

violent strike

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/17/world/africa/killing-of-striking-workers-alters-south-africa-politics.html?_r=0

It was that or hold police accountable

QFC SOMMELIERE

The sommeliere at QFC knows his shit

The prosecco was delicate and well-balanced for $13.99

Just like it said on the display!

THE UNTOUCHABLES

I think they should do a remake of the gangster flick The Untouchables

 

Only this time filmed at a leper colony

FATHER'S DAY

Father's Day is coming up

I'm looking forward to it, I don't have to buy anybody anything

FULFILLING STEREOTYPES

Dude on the bus used the city jail as a landmark for directions

Fulfilling stereotypes?

Check!

THE LAW

It's illegal to punch people so if you need me I will be over here in a bad mood instead

11 YR OLD PAKISTANI GIRL

In Pakistan, they arrested an 11yr old girl with Down's syndrome after she accidentally

threw pages of the Koran in the trash

In her defense, she's got Down's syndrome

She prolly thought it was Pakistani currency, which is equally worthless

DAD = OLD SCHOOL HIPSTER

My dad was an old school hipster

Not only was our music collection all vinyl, so was the siding on our house

HIPSTORY CHANNEL

I was watching this show about the origins of skinny jeans, trucker hats and PBR

It was on The Hipstory Channel

Can you believe their broadcasting with that vintage equipment?

That's a 25 yr old radar, buddy!

How are you even getting any bandwidth!?

PUSSY SLAYER

Guys give each other the worst advice in the world too

If your a single dude don't listen to your friends

They're single too, okay

They don't know what they're talkin' about

There's very few actual players out there

Those dudes who are always getting laid

Player is short for pussy slayer by the way

I dunno if you guys know that

But there's very few true players out there

And I have the great misfortune of having one in my family

I say that because it's my nephew

My nephew destroys pussy

Everytime I see this kid he's got a new girl

And he's at the age now

He's like 22 or 23

So it's the girls that I wish I could bang

You know?

I see these girls

And I'm just like

"Fuck you, bro

I remember when you used to fall down and cry like a little bitch

And now your knee deep in sweet, sweet puss

Goddamit"

Life is cruel, man

WEED AND LISTERINE

If you smoke weed after using Listerine it tastes like a grape Tootsie Pop!

ARMED GUNMAN IN SEATTLE

Some asshole shoots five people at a cafe in Seattle

Jeez buddy, was your latte not hot enough?

BROKE UP WITH GIRLFRIEND

I just broke up with my girlfriend and boy are my arms tired!

THE WORLD IS CRAZY

The world is a crazy place

Just ask anyone who's seen the Joy Luck Club

Or The Travelling Pants of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

FEAR OF COMMITMENT

Women like to say that men have a fear of commitment

I don't think that's true

I thought being monogamous was easy, it was my ex who found it difficult

LA MARATHON

Did you guys hear that the LA marathon's comin' up?

Did you hear about that?

Anybody?

Why would you we're in Seattle

Listen, here's the important part

The LA marathon's comin' up

And I heard that Barack Obama is gonna run in the LA marathon

And when I heard that, I called my bookie and put some money down on 'em

'Cuz it's always a guy from Kenya that wins those things

Isn't that how that works?

WEB PORN PIRATES

German lawyers say they're going to start naming web porn pirates

Subpoenas being sent out to every dude on the planet with internet

COUPLES IN SEATTLE

If I didn't know any better I would say that 75% of the couples I see in Seattle the chick

is dating her nephew

The other 25%?

Her dad

ROBO WORLD CUP

This year 26 teams will compete in the Robo World Cup aka the robot Olympics

My money's on the cop from Detroit

Or Johnny #5

CHURCHES

I saw an Episcopelian church the other day

And it made me think about back in the medieval times

When churches, all roads led to the church

They were the biggest buildings in town

Now it's the insurance companies

Some things never change

BALLER STATUS

The phrase 'baller status' is used almost exclusively by people who are in fact not

LOUIS CK IS MEXICAN

Louis CK is Mexican

If Mexicans are stealing all our jobs why is Larry the Cable Guy still working?

BLIND LADY

I live next door to a blind lady

She has a corner apt

Corner apts have the best view

SOVIET UNION FLAG

The Soviet Union's flag is a hammer and a sickle

Which needs to be updated

It's been a long time since Russia was known for it's ironworking or wheat

I'm just having a hard time imagining a flag with the symbols for organized crime and

hot Euro porn, surrounded by computer hackers

That would be a pretty bizarre flag

OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

Some people make bad decisions when they're high

But marijuana has been nothing but a positive influence on my life

Case in point:

When I was 18, I was gonna join the Army

I was all signed up to go to bootcamp

But then I smoked some weed and watched that movie An Officer and A Gentleman

Gamechanger!

And that movie isn't even about the Army

But if I didn't get high and watch Richard Gere pretend to be heterosexual, I'd be in

Afghanistan right now

JAPANESE FLAG

For a long time, I thought the Japanese flag was the flag of India

Just a red dot

FLOYD MAYWEATHER GOES TO JAIL FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Floyd Mayweather Jr. goes to jail for domestic violence

- Let the record show the turtle defense isn't as effective in legal bouts

SEAHAWKS PLAYER

I like living in Chinatown

I'm tall and bald so I fit right in

I'm real close to the stadiums

So I can go to the games whenever I want

And every now and then I see some of the pro athletes in my neighborhood

One nite I saw a guy on my street that plays for the Seahawks

At least I'm pretty sure he plays for the Seahawks

I don't know his name

But he's built like a linebacker

And he kept telling me he's got 20 sacks

Now I don't follow the game

But I think he plays right tackle

PREDICTING THE FUTURE

Root canal, 5 years

I can feel it

FAMOUS QUOTES? PT. II

If they hate then let 'em hate and watch the bills pile up - comedian 50 Cent

FAMOUS QUOTES?

Methinks the ladies doth protest too much - Rep. Todd Akin

SHITHEADS

Hey guest spot guy "who's a regular at the Comedy Store"- if you burn the light, don't

apologize afterwards

Your an asshole, just own it

INTERNET PORN

Do you guys watch porn?

It's a $10 billion dollar a year industry

Someone's watching it

Besides me and the other comedians

And I'll tell you this ladies

This might sound gross but a lot of guys will jerk off when they watch internet porn

But not me

Not anymore anyways

The last time I jerked off to internet porn I got kicked outta the library

 

WORD: 'TROPE'

Whenever you feel like the dummy in a conversation just start throwing

the word "trope" around

UTILITIES

Wait a minute... I pay for sewer, trash AND garbage?

RAIN ON MY BIRTHDAY

It rains alot in Seattle

I don't mind the rain

But my birthdays in November

And every year in November

We set a new record for rainfall

So what does God get me for my birthday?

A flood warning!

Hey, thanks big guy!

I've always wanted to go kayaking

I just didn't think it was gonna be in my own backyard

Every year before my birthday I gotta go outside

And load a couple of urban chickens

And some Ellen Degeneres lookin' chicks onto my canoe

Just in case I have to repopulate Ballard

JOHN TRAVOLTA SEXUALLY ASSAULTS MASSEUSE

John Travolta sexually assaults masseuse, Travolta unable to process how someone

said no to an offer to do something just for the money

RYAN O'NEAL HAS PROSTATE CANCER

Farrah Fawcett's boyfriend has prostate cancer, butt sex between Ryan O'Neal and

Farrah Fawcett officially most malignant coitus ever

NEVER MET MY DAD

I never met my dad

I talked to him once on the phone

I called him collect

I wanted to invest as much in the relationship as he did

While we were talking I started to cry

He asked my why I was crying

I said

"I never had someone to play catch with

Or teach me how to shave"

He said

"Look on the bright side

You never had to worry about being good enough for me

I was an absentee father

You will always be more disappointed in me than I could ever be in you"

At the end of our conversation my dad invited me to move back to California

And chase the dollar with him

That's what he said

"We can chase the dollar together"

Now, the only thing in my life that's been more elusive than my father is money

So I declined that offer

I was like

"No thanks dad

I'm gonna stick it out here in Vancouver, WA

I'm feelin' lucky"

OBAMA SPENDING CAMPAIGN

Obama spending $325 million on his re-election campaign

Why give that money to help the poor when you can spend it to convince them you'll

help?

DAILY AFFIRMATION

I am confident in my ability to turn a lesbian

THOMAS KINKADE THE PAINTER OF LIGHT DIES

Thomas Kinkade the Painter of Light died, to be laid to rest along with hacky scenes

of pastoral tranquility

RANE SERATO DJ

Thanks to Rane Serato, this is pretty much all it takes to be a DJ

PATCHES THE CLOWN DIES

Patches the Clown died

His funeral's this weekend

And per his wishes, everyone attending the funeral has to ride in the same car

JULES ET JIM

I like to imagine 'Jules Et Jim' as a porno movie with all the double penetrations

scenes cut out

JUMP FROM OUTER SPACE

That guy jumped from outer space

How much did that cost?

They had the whole control center thing goin' on

You know the 'Houston we have a problem' team

That's gotta cost millions

But I guess it doesn't matter

They made their money back and then some with the publicity of it

Now everyone knows Red Bull gives you wings

Too bad it didn't give you the coolest Faces of Death video ever

As that guy burned to a crisp re-entering the atmosphere

Or the parachute failed to open

Or his oxygen tank exploded

Something!

Give us something

And it's not like he accomplished anything

All he did was just not die

My grandma did that for years

No one congratulated her for it

That's all he did

He just didn't die

Gravity did all the hard work

We should be thanking physics

And chemistry

If it wasn't for chemistry

We wouldn't have Red Bull

Which is the next best thing if you can't find any cocaine

Red Bull's dangerous, man

People have died from drinking too much Red Bull

So this guy proved it's safer to jump from outer space than it is to drink Red Bull here

on earth

INSIGHTS ABOUT ACTING CLASS

I was nervous and I didn't perform the actions/behaviors as faithfully as I could

because I didn't spend the time to practice the exercise as much (or at all, truth be

told) in order to recreate the scene as best as I could

I realized this the next day (Sunday) whe I was listening to Sade again and I noticed

that I had failed to hum some of the saxophone fills that accompany her vocals

RUNNING FOR OFFICE

Can't decide which half-truths to tell anymore...

Think I'm ready to run for office

SEAN KEMP

Happy Father's Day to the Rain Man Sean Kemp

He has 12 kids

SUNGLASSES + RAINY DAY

A woman shouldn't wear sunglasses on a rainy day unless she wants me to think

she's in a bad relationship

FLOWER IN THE HAIR

Ladies, enough with the flower in the hair thing

It's wack and poinsettias don't have daddy issues

WOMEN FUCK ME OVER

Women have never gone outta their way to fuck me but they have gone outta their way

to fuck me over

CUBAN SWIM TEAM + OLYMPICS

Why didn't the Cuban swim team win any medals?

 

BLACK GUY + UTILIKILT

I just saw a black guy in a utilikilt!

Can I call the NAACP and report a violation?

BREAST IMPLANTS

I've been a big fan of breast implants for a long time

I think it goes back to my childhood

As a kid, nothing made me happier than playing with balloons

MAD COW DISEASE

Mad Cow Disease discovered in California
 

Just another thing on a long list of health code violations at Black Angus

 

FLOWERS

Flowers are the nicest way to say thanks for fucking me on the 1st date

 

CPS PARKING GARAGE

CPS parking garage is the only place where your supposed to leave your kids in the car

with the windows rolled up

 

COCAINE AND PHO

I did cocaine and then ate some pho

Hard to tell which is responsible for my runny nose

PIONEER SQUARE

I'm in a basement in Pioneer Square and every now and then some plaster will rain

down from the brick foundation

Can't wait for the tunnel!

RAIN IN SEATTLE

It rains so much in Seattle, the buildings have moss

 

SEPTEMBER IN SEATTLE

It's September in Seattle so I will carry sunglasses and an umbrella at all times

CAPITOL HILL + DOUCHEBAGS

Remember when it was cool to say Capitol Hill is full of douchebags?

THE RESURRECTION

Why would Jesus get up after 3 days?

They didn't have french toast back then

 

COULDN'T PAY ME

I was hanging out after a comedy show

And someone from the audience came up

And they were like

"I dunno how you do it

You couldn't pay me to get up there"

And I was like

"I wouldn't really worry about that part"

That's not a big problem here in the standup comedy community

People aren't exactly lining the streets with their checkbooks

And making it rain on that bald-headed guy from the open mic

Like, that's not my biggest problem right now

AMISH HATE CRIME

An Amish guy named Samuel Mullett is on trial for cutting people's hair against their

will

He allegedly shouted "business in the front, party in the back" before committing the

attack

FLAG FOLDING CEREMONY

Sometimes if you see a military funeral they'll take the flag and do an elaborate folding

ceremony

Two soldiers will square off and do synchronized origami

I keep waiting for them to fuck up and accidentally bury a guy with a really patriotic

swan