THE FRIDGE

The fridge is a place where I conduct science experiments

PISTORIUS

Oscar Pistorius

The S. African gold medalist

The double amputee guy

He's actually in some hot water right now

He just allegedly killed his gf in S. Africa

She's some sort of model

And reality TV contestant

He shot her in the bathroom

His defense is that he thought she was an intruder

Which I gotta admit

I don't see how that's gonna stand up in court

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here

And say that there's just now way he's gonna walk away from this

Unless there's something that the defense knows about which is gonna

leave the prosecution stumped

LAXATIVES

I don't understand why people use laxatives when they're constipated

If I'm constipated, I just jump in the shower

Guarantee you as soon as I get out I'm gonna have to drop a duece

MARK DAVID CHAPMAN

The guy who killed John Lennon was up for his 7^th parole hearing recently

He got denied of course

But I think they shoulda let him go on a conditional release

That he also shoot the lead singer of Nickelback

An eye for an eye

It's in the Bible

"Sir, you have paid your debt to society

Your a free man

Get on outta here!"

TROJAN CONDOM

I always wear a Trojan condom before I sack Helen of Troy

RITALIN

The pharmaceutical industry designs drugs very intelligently

Let's take Ritalin for example

Ritalin is used to treat ADD or ADHD

But if you don't have ADD, taking Ritalin will give it to you

So even if you get misdiagnosed with ADD, the drug they treat you with causes it

That means that doctors don't even have to be right anymore

I'm waiting for the day when I go to the hospital and the doctor goes

"Well, Mr. Milton

I got some good news and some bad news

The good news is we thought you had cancer but we were wrong

The bad news is the drug we prescribed also causes cancer

So now you have leukemia

And we're sure this time

We designed that drug very intelligently"

TAKING PILLS

When I was younger I used to like taking psychedelics

Now I'm in my 30's and I like taking pills

And taking pills is alot like taking mushrooms

Except you don't have to spend 2 hours questioning your identity

CAMOUFLAGE UTILIKILT

I was at the dog park with my sister

And we saw a guy wearing a camouflage utilikilt

 

A camouflage utilikilt!

And we just felt sorry for the dog, ya know?

Poor little fella

He's gotta be seen in public with this douche

That's animal cruelty right there

Being forced to run around while your owner wears a dress made outta Army pants

That's not cool

He's prolly the only dog in town that doesn't wanna go for a walk

He's like

"Hey, send me back to the puppy mill

Michael Vick's house

Anything

Just get me away from camouflage utilikilt guy"

PAGLIACCI PIZZA ASST. MANAGER

I'm unemployed right now

Been lookin' for a job

Sending out lots of resumes

I used to manage a comedy club

So I've been applying for jobs with managerial positions

I figured that would net me a few more bucks

So I applied for a job as assistant manager of a Pagliacci's Pizza in Renton

And thig guy sends me an email back regarding the assistant manager position...

Saying that I wasn't the right fit for the job

I wasn't qualified enough

So I sent this guy an email back that said "you don't know shit, fuckface"

Still waiting to hear back

(fingers crossed)

HEADLINE: WORLD'S BIGGEST COCAINE DEALER

World's biggest cocaine dealer (besides the CIA) deported to Italy

RAPPERS + BARISTAS

Rappers and baristas have alot in common

They're both very concerned about their grind

RICK ROSS

Rapper Rick Ross shot at yesterday in FL

Details are unclear whether he was shot in a drive-by or a drive-thru

 

DOS EQUIS GUY

 

The Dos Equis guy is an extremely well-rounded individual who, for some reason,
 

still enjoys drinking 3rd call Mexican beer

THOSE WHO CAN'T DO

Those who cant do, teach

That's why most teachers are women

SAME SEX MARRIAGE IN WA

Same sex marriage legal in Washington

Now the gay community will see that same sex marriage is exactly that

The same sex

Over and over and over