HEALTH INSURANCE

I tried to get health insurance recently

But they denied me after they discovered that I suffer from a pre-existing medical

condition

It's called poverty

And from what I understand it's fairly common

It affects 4 out of 10 Americans

And it's usually fatal

You have poverty until you die

Some people think you can cure poverty by voting Republican

But that's an old wives tale

SANTA BARBARA

I just got back from Santa Barbara

I took the train down there

'Cuz it's cheaper

But it takes a long time

32 hours

I got on the train 9:45 AM on a Tuesday

And got off the train 6:45 PM on Wednesday

32 hours

That's the longest train ride in the world that didn't end at a gas chamber

It was a long ride

At times I felt like I would never get to California

But we finally did

And I knew we were in California

When I started seeing houses with bars on the windows

It's a landmark of sorts

I'm sitting on the train

And I go

''Hey, lookit that brand new Dodge Challenger in front of that shitty house''

(train conductor): ''Next stop- Oakland, California''

I thought we were still in Tukwila

In California, you're allowed to grow a certain numbers of marijuana plants in your house

So long as you have the license or whatever

And it's easy to tell which houses have the grow license

'Cuz everyone parks on the curb

Since the garage is usually the grow room

So if you see a house with 4 cars parked out front then you know

That's a weed house right there

Also, if you see empty Doritos bags everywhere

That's also a sign

Luckily while I was on the train

I had my own seat for most of the ride

That's nice

I saw the funniest thing while I was on the train

This fat lady got on the train

And her assigned seat was on the aisle

Right next to her in the window seat was another morbidly obese lady

And I gotta tell ya

There's nothing better than watching a fat person sit next to another fat person

And they both had a look on their face like

''Please don't sit next to me

Please don't sit

Fuck!''

In that moment I realized something profound

Fat people feel the same way about each other that everyone else does

But California's beautiful man

In between San Jose

And Santa Barbara

Just beautiful

CAT/HORSESHOES

I played a game of horseshoes with my cat

I need a new cat

CLOWN ARE CREEPY

What's creepier than a guy on a computer trying to pick up underage girls?

A clown on a computer trying to pick up underage girls

Clowns are creepy, that's my point

CIRCUMCISED ON ACCIDENT

When I was 17, I was circumcised by accident

I received a blowjob by an inexperienced girl with braces

CAMEL LIGHTS/PESTICIDES

I've been spraying my Camel Lights with pesticides

I wanna be the first guy in history to give cigarettes cancer

DETROIT

I was in Detroit this summer

If you've never been to Detroit

Detroit's got problems man

I was there for 3 days

And I said if I ever come back here to do some comedy shows

I'm gonna bring my own microphone

It's gonna be a custom made microphone

With a pair of brass knuckles welded to the front

FEELING ANTISOCIAL

I've been feeling antisocial lately

I'm sick of people

There's too many of em

They're everywhere

You can't even drive down the street without bumping into one of 'em

And that's all it was

A little bump

I barely tapped that lady's baby carriage

I dunno where those bigshot lawyers get off calling it vehicular manslaughter and reckless

endangerment

What about her irresponsible behavior?

I dunno about you

But when I see someone doing 140 miles an hour in a school zone I get the hell outta the

way

I don't assume that they're sober

Or that just because I have the walk signal it's safe to cross

Your fucking stupid

It's your own damn fault at that point

And only in Seattle is this a problem

Only in Seattle

I mean

Do you know how many single moms in Florida would be happy to have their 2 year old

die a painful death?

EUROPEAN MARKET

The European market is close to collapsing and looking to Germany for support

Because the last time Germany was the economic heart of Europe it worked out so well

All we need now is some Austrian kid who wants to go to art school

Sign him up for a public speaking class

Make him watch some Jerry Bruckheimer films so he develops a hatred of Jews

SELF HELP BOOK

I used to read a lot of self help books

Like chicken soup for the soul

Until I realized that anyone could write these books

Like me

I could write a self help book

In fact I just finished writing one

It's a self help book for black people

Fried chicken for the soul

FRENCH CRUISE MISSILE

The French military just built a new cruise missile

Out of paper mache

The French Army doesn't go to boot camp

They go to mime school

USA! USA! USA!

GAY ACCENTS

I'm trying to learn how to do accents

So I bought a book on accents

It came with 5 cd's worth of accents

But I was disappointed to discover that the gay accent wasn't being covered on these cd's

And I was very upset

I was like

''Man, what am I gonna do?

If I don't master the gay accent

I'll never get a supporting role on a sitcom''

C'mon NBC

Gimme a chance

SEATTLE STORM

A friend of mine's got a bit of a gambling problem

He likes to bet on horses

This year he won big on a whole bunch of horses

The Seattle Storm

GREEK YOGHURT

Ever tried Greek yoghurt?

It's really gross

It's like regular yoghurt but with alot more bacteria

HALLOWEEN/SLUTTY WAITRESS

I was at the comedy club on Halloween

And one of the girls who worked there had a great costume

She was dressed as a slutty waitress

When I asked her what she was gonna be for Halloween

She said

"Myself"

HALLOWEEN/GIRLFRIEND

Halloween is one of the holidays where I wish I had a girlfriend

That way when she told me that we should get dressed up and celebrate Halloween

I could say

"Why baby?

You got all the candy you need"

But if she's anything like my last girlfriend

She'd prolly say something like

''Hey, I'm tired of your candy corn

I want a Snickers bar

King size''

GUCCI MANE

I like that rapper Gucci Mane

I'm down with any crazy ass black dude who's willing to get an ice cream cone tattood on

his face

With 3 scoops!

That's what kills me

He got 3 scoops

Gucci Mane walked into the tattoo shop like it was a Baskin Robbins

"Yeah, lemme get cookies and cream

Mint and chip

And pistachio nut"

With a waffle cone fool!

With a waffle cone

MOVE TO SEATTLE

I'm from Los Angeles

I moved to Seattle a couple of yrs ago

'Cuz I hate sunshine

Pretty girls

And authentic Mexican food

I LIKE TITS

I like tits

You ever get your hands on a really nice pair of tits

And then a complete stranger walks by

And you have to pretend like you were just petting the dog?

FEMALE POP STARS

Hey, since when did female pop stars agree to dress like characters from the movie

5th element?

OLD JAPANESE PORN STAR

I was reading a story in the LA Times about this old guy in Japan

He's a porno star

And he's 76 yrs old

How does that work?

Does he cum in a chicks face and go

"Oh so solly

So solly"

RIC FLAIR IMPRESSION

You ever walk outside

And it's so cold you just do a Ric Flair impression?

Everyone's all bundled up in their winter clothes

But some people are taking it a little bit too far

I saw a girl walking down the street wearing suede boots

A wool skirt

A leather jacket

And a cashmere scarf

I wanted to say

'Hey lady!

How many animals does it take for you to look fashionable?'

This is getting ridiculous

SHOT BY SNIPER

Yesterday some lady got shot by a sniper

Sounds fucked up

But my first thought was

What was she wearing?

Maybe she was asking for it

I mean

Ladies listen

If you walk around wearing a bullseye

You can't call the police everytime someone tries to shoot you

Even Gloria Steinem would agree with that

1ST PLACE TIBETAN MARATHON