SANTA BARBARA

I just got back from Santa Barbara

I took the train down there

'Cuz it's cheaper

But it takes a long time

32 hours

I got on the train 9:45 AM on a Tuesday

And got off the train 6:45 PM on Wednesday

32 hours

That's the longest train ride in the world that didn't end at a gas chamber

It was a long ride

At times I felt like I would never get to California

But we finally did

And I knew we were in California

When I started seeing houses with bars on the windows

It's a landmark of sorts

I'm sitting on the train

And I go

''Hey, lookit that brand new Dodge Challenger in front of that shitty house''

(train conductor): ''Next stop- Oakland, California''

I thought we were still in Tukwila

In California, you're allowed to grow a certain numbers of marijuana plants in your house

So long as you have the license or whatever

And it's easy to tell which houses have the grow license

'Cuz everyone parks on the curb

Since the garage is usually the grow room

So if you see a house with 4 cars parked out front then you know

That's a weed house right there

Also, if you see empty Doritos bags everywhere

That's also a sign

Luckily while I was on the train

I had my own seat for most of the ride

That's nice

I saw the funniest thing while I was on the train

This fat lady got on the train

And her assigned seat was on the aisle

Right next to her in the window seat was another morbidly obese lady

And I gotta tell ya

There's nothing better than watching a fat person sit next to another fat person

And they both had a look on their face like

''Please don't sit next to me

Please don't sit

Fuck!''

In that moment I realized something profound

Fat people feel the same way about each other that everyone else does

But California's beautiful man

In between San Jose

And Santa Barbara

Just beautiful