'BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER'

Birds of a feather flock together-

That's why I use buckshot

OFFBASE

Offbase-

1. located outside the perimeters of a military base

2. the erogenous zones of a woman, which I am not allowed to touch

LETTER TO THE IRS

December 27, 2010

Rich Opoora, Director

Exempt Organizations Division

Internal Revenue Service

1111 Constitution Ave., N.W.

Washington, D.C. 20224

Dear Mr. Opoora,

This letter is in response to a formal inquiry by the Internal Revenue Service

In regards to certain deductions made on behalf of Mr. Milton's 1040 EZ, fiscal year

2009

Records indicate Mr. Milton claimed tax relief for the following:

*Asian strippers w/ big fake tits

*Drugs (including weed, coke & all sorts of groovy pills)

*1st person shooter video games

*several vinyl bean bag chairs

*a foosball table

*a pet Liger (that is, the offspring of a male Lion & a female tiger)

We believe these deductions are legitimate expenses deserving exemption, seeing as

they were incurred thru the Save a Hipster Foundation

A charity instituted by Mr. Milton on behalf of the indifferent, aloof population of white

males currently residing in Seattle, WA & protected under the not-for-profit tax shelter

provisions referenced under Federal tax code PU55-Y

Should a difference in opinion arise over this matter, Mr. Milton is prepared to utter the

words "Dude, you know, like, whatever"

In addition, the retention of competent tax attorneys for the express purpose of

avoiding the same fate that befell Mr. Wesley Snipes

In conclusion,

thank you for your attention to this matter and we look forward to resolving this in a

manner most conducive to minimal arbitration & maximum irony

So yeah, thanks

We totally mean that

- Leonard Goldfarb of Goldfarb, Weinstein, Bergowitz, & Kleinfeld

"WHAT'S WITH THE PORTIONS AROUND HERE?"

"HELP! I'D RATHER BE COMMUNIST THAN TOLD WHAT TO DO"

'BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY'

Better safe than sorry-

A guy in a tank never apologizes

OFFAL

Offal-

1. the parts of a butchered animal that are considered inedible by human beings

2. the standup comedy of James Milton, which is also not fit for human consumption

'HER BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING'

Her biological clock is ticking -

So loud, I got scared and called the bombsquad

OCCUPATIONAL DISEASE

Occupational disease-

1. a trait or tendency that develops among members of a particular profession

2. an illness, usually fatal, which consists of being forced to work for a living

NETWORK TV SHOWS I WANNA SEE

Titty TV- all titty, all the time

Kitty Porn- a channel for cat people

WTV- white trash TV

Fame Whore- what will you do for your 15 mins?

TBTV- a channel dedicated to tuberculosis, scarlet fever and other 19th century

scourges

Cleat Chaser- a show about women that are sluts for pro athletes

The Deadliest Catch- a show about people with AIDS

Morphine TV- watch it once and you're hooked (slogan)

Clock & Dollars- a show about the grandfather clock business targeted at the urban

market

'BETTER LATE THAN NEVER'

Better late than never-

Unless it's your girlfriend's period

LIABILITY

Liability-

1. something disadvantageous

2. a politician's skill in manipulating the truth

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH GUIDE

Welcome to Chinatown!

Or, as it is now known thanks to political correctness, the

International District

The International District is a very diverse place

We have great restaurants, interesting shops and African-Americans with

questionable intent

The streets are littered with cigarette butts and empty cans of Mickey's

Iced

If you live here and need to get up early for work, don't worry; a car alarm

will go off every 17 minutes

Because we live in such an exciting part of town, we have recently

begun a Neighborhood Watch Program

The Neighborhood Watch Program aims to provide protection for our

community by working hand-in-hand with politically corrupt city officials

and the inept Seattle police department, who will do their

best to shoot innocent people in the chest whilst allowing crackheads

carte blanche

The Neighborhood Watch Program is a successful effort that has been

in effect for over thirty years

Supported by the National Sheriff's Association since 1972, the

Neighborhood Watch Program is helping the public eradicate residential

crime in their neighborhoods.

The program's "success" is based on the commitment of the public 

and their local police department to work together to ignore

crime in their communities

Residents not only take care of their own run-down homes and businesses,

but also those of their unemployed neighbors

By taking a passive role in the protection of their families

and possessions, residents are better able to encourage criminal

activity and keep their neighborhoods unsafe

Joining a neighborhood watch program is as simple as locating one in

your neighborhood and attending a meeting

'BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS'

Beggars can't be choosers-

But they can be annoying

LAME

Lame-

1. weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory

2. Seattle

'BEAUTY IS ONLY SKIN DEEP'

Beauty is only skin deep-

And her liver spot were gorgeous