STRIPCLUBS

You guys ever go to the strip club?

At a strip club you get to meet girls who are named after foreign luxury cars

Like Lexus or Mercedes

You ever go to a strip club

And meet a girl with a name way outta her price range?

I was in a strip club one time

And this girl came over

She was like

"Hi, my name is Porsche"

And I gotta be honest with you

When I looked at this girl

I wasn't thinking Porsche

I was thinking ’87 Ford Bronco

With a bad paint job

This chick was all primered up

False advertising man

That's why I could never be a strip club DJ

'Cuz I'm a brutally honest person

Porsche'd be getting ready to go on stage

And I'd say some shit like this

"Alright fellas, break out those dollar bills

Coming to the main stage next

We've got Denial

Denial on the main stage boys

She's not a river in Egypt

But she is retaining water

And on the back stage we've got mashed potatoes

Followed by cream cheese"

JESUS WAS BLACK

Some people say that Jesus was black

Like Louis Farrakahn

Or the Nation of Islam

"Jesus was a black man!"

Uh, Jesus was Jewish

He was born in Bethlehem, Israel

But it's a common mistake

Thinking a Jewish guy's black

We've all done it

I remember when the Beastie Boys first came out

Everyone thought they were black, too

OTH DISCHARGE

I had so much fun in the Navy I ended up getting kicked out

I received an Other Than Honorable Discharge

Which isn't as good as having an honorable discharge

But it's a lot better than having a thick milky discharge

Yeah

Getting court-martialed sucks

But getting syphilis in Thailand is way worse

ERNEST GOES TO CAMP

I count the 50+ times I've seen Ernest Goes to Camp as a defining moment

in my life

U2 + CHRISTIAN ROCK

The words 'really good' + 'Christian rock' have never been used together in a sentence,

except when trying to describe U2's old stuff

BING VS GOOGLE

Bill Gates says 'Bing is better than Google'

Then he said, 'Don't believe me? Google it'

NEW SUPERMAN

I'd never wanna be Superman in a movie

You saw what happened to the last guy

TED NUGENT

Ted Nugent should play the guitar whenever he says ridiculously stupid things

It worked for 'Cat Scratch Fever'

 

RAY LEWIS RETIRES

Now thay Ray Lewis is retired, he has more time to search for the real killer

REALITY TV HELICOPTER CRASH

Helicopter crash on reality TV show kills 3 people

Unfortunately, it wasn't the Kardashians

 

IRAN COMBAT JET

Ahmadinejad unveils Iran's newest combat jet

State of the art, but still a Muslim jet, so during Ramadan it can only be refueled at nite

'TO CATCH A PREDATOR'

They should do a sketch where 'To Catch a Predator' goes to someone's house and

Chris Hansen pops around the corner and it's The Predator

 

BRIAN PUMPER

Brian Pumper is the best rapper in the porn game

THE ROLLING STONES

The Rolling Stones got kidney stones

GYRO STAND

There's a gyro stand down the street

It's actually a taco truck

But they make gyros

And it's being run with a gas-powered generator

A gas-powered generator

That's whay you use in emergencies, right?

I dunno if gyros are an emergency

"Quick

Crack open the Earthquake Preparedness Kit

They want falafel"

WOMAN FIRED FROM OWN NETWORK

Woman fired from OWN Network after getting pregnant

Commenting on her weight gain, she said to Oprah "I'm pregnant, whats your excuse?"

 

 

THE SOULPATCH

The soulpatch should be reserved exclusively for Sammy Haggar

 

UTERUS TRANSPLANT

I heard a story about a lady who got a uterus transplant

She was born without fallopian tubes or some shit

And she wanted to have a kid

So she got a uterus transplant

From her mom

A 65 yr old lady

And it worked!

Her husband got her pregnant

Which is a miracle

That he was able to cum at all

That's fuckin gross

I couldn't do it

I couldn't do it, man

Not even if I spent the last 6 weeks on work release

I don't think I could finish inside a vagina that's eligible for social security

BARBARA WALTERS HAS CHICKEN POX

Barbara Walters has chicken pox

The good news is, her skin will finally get some lotion

Even if it is only Calamine

'MOB WIVES'

I like 'Mob Wives' better when it was just a scene in Goodfellas

 

ESPN GAMBLING TIPS

ESPN should give out gambling tips

ANALOGY JOKES

Analogy jokes are like the worst

RICHARD PRYOR ONSTAGE

 

It's alarming to think that when Richard Pryor was onstage in the 70's, that's the

longest he went without doing any cocaine

STRAIGHT-DAR

You guys know what gay-dar is, right?

Gay-dar is when if someone's gay-dar goes off, that means they think somebody is

gay

You ever been around someone who prides themselves on their gay-dar?

"Oh man, my gay-dar's really strong bro

I can always tell"

Oh yeah?

You think your gay-dar's strong?

How strong do you think a gay guy's straight-dar is?

I think a woman's gay-dar is stronger than a man's

Alotta guys don't know

Say your part of a professional sports team

Or you go to the gym

You spend alot of time in the locker room

You have no idea which one of those other dudes walks around without a towel on

Just for funsies

But a woman's gay-dar is stronger than a man's

Especially if she's a hairdresser

And her co-workers are men

She develops a pretty strong baseline to calibrate her gay-dar with

But a woman's straight-dar has been fooled plenty of times

Even after she marries a guy

Things are going good

Then one day ten years later her husband turns to her and goes

"Hey hunny

Remember my friend Steve?

Well, he's not just my friend

He's the love of my life

So tell the kids I love 'em

And I'm outta here

Me 'n Steve are gonna move to Austin"