#USA

How ironic that 'courage' is a French word

AVN AWARDS

Every year in Vegas the adult film industry has an awards show

It's called the AVN Awards

And it's kinda like the jizz bizz version of the Oscars

Only instead of best screenplay

The categories are things like Best Anal

It's true

I've seen some porn that's so nasty

The next day at work I have to jack off on my lunch break

Where's that category?

Are you with me ladies?!

I'm talking about porno movies with catchy titles like

"Throat Yoghurt"

"Catcher In The Eye"

And my favorite

"Gangbang Facebath"

That's a good one by the way

The girl in that video is so nasty

If she was a restaurant

I'd have to shut her down

'Cuz I counted at least 7 different health code violations

The only thing I didn't like about Gangbang Facebath

Was the title kinda gives away the ending

It wasn't much of a cliffhanger

Also like most movies

The book was way better

YOU'LL SEE ME AROUND

I was eavesdropping on a conversation in a bar

This guy was talking to this girl

And at the end of the conversation, they exchange numbers

Then the guy goes

"Alright, hey it was nice meeting you

And don't worry

You'll see me around"

I thought that was amazing

"You'll see me around?"

I could never say that to a woman

I'm always too worried about coming off creepy

"You'll see me around"

If I said that to a woman

She'd be like

"What do you mean, I'll see you around?

You mean, like in the bushes?

Or against my will?"

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO MAKE MONEY?

The infomercials aren't working

PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE

I wanna walk up to cops outta the blue and go "What seems to be the problem Officer?"

D'ANTONI

D'Antoni had a good debut

It's hard to do when you only have 2 of the best players in their position

ALEX JONES

Alex Jones

And Katt Williams

Must have the same dealer

RAY J

On a scale of 1 to Ray J

How much do you like big black dick?

KURT RAMBIS

Who knew Kurt Rambis would define the look of a generation?

RACHEL MADDOW

Rachell Maddow is pretty hot for a dude

CHAZ BONO

I like to listen to 'Who's That Lady' by The Isley Brothers while browsing Google images of

Chaz Bono

WHITE COCKERSPANIELS

You shouldn't walk white cockerspaniels after Labor Day

SMOKER HEALTH TIPS

It's hard not to laugh when a smoker tells you Sweet 'n Low is bad for you

MITT ROMNEY + PUPPETS

I don't understand why Mitt Romney would go after Sesame Street

You'd think that being one himself

He'd be a little more sympathetic to puppets

FOREVER 21

The only people who shop at Forever 21 are women who wish they still were

MITT ROMNEY'S A ROBOT

People been cracking jokes about Mitt Romney

Saying he's a robot

He's been pretty stiff and animatronic in alot of his appearances

And that's mean

Saying he's a robot

Mitt's not a robot

He's a cyborg

He's been sent from the future to kill Sarah Connor

No wait

That was the governor of California

I keep getting all these conservative actors all mixed up

Arnold Swarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Mitt Romney

Actually I shouldn't include Romney in that group

He's not an actor

But he's definitely following a script

MLK DAY

The library is closed for Martin Luther King Day

America honors it's greatest heroes by taking the day off

 

TWITTER THUMB

New repetitive motion injury: Twitter thumb

SCRILLA

I'm gonna start referring to money as 'scrilla' and see if anybody notices

MAYAN APOCALYPSE

I might have survived the Mayan apocalypse but I'm still eating alot of canned goods

BLOOD TYPE

If a girl has the same blood type as me I can borrow so much more than money

POLITICS

I don't understand politics

It's confusing

This guys says that guy's lying

That guy says this guy's lying

I don't know who to believe

Finally I just decided that you have to get both sides of the story

That's why now

To ensure a fair and balanced worldview

I watch Fox News

Then I log on to Worldstarhiphop.com

Or sometimes I'll watch Al Jazeera Network

And then South Park

You gotta stay informed

MY BALLS ITCH

I'm not doing too hot

My balls itch

My balls itch bad

I blame no shave November

2010

Yeah

It's been a while since I've done some man-scaping

GUIDO JELLYFISH

In the Gulf of Mexico

They got these jellyfish

And every summer

They wash up on the coast of Alabama

Marine biologists say that the jellyfish

Tend to accumulate along the shores

Which helps them reproduce

So they have a lot in common with Italian guys on MTV

These jellyfish

They hang out on the shore

And try to reproduce

These are guido jellyfish

They fist pump their tentacles

It's pretty cool

But they're in Alabama

So it's not weird when most of the jellyfish

End up reproducing with each other