N KOREA MISSILE LAUNCH FAILURE

N Korea missile launch failure

Plans for epic Kim Jong-Il space burial on hiatus

NEW JERSEY MAYOR RESCUES NEIGHBOR FROM FIRE

New Jersey mayor rescues neighbor from fire, New Jersey cover band

EDDIE BRILL FIRED FROM LETTERMAN

Eddie Brill fired from booking Letterman for being misogynistic

Executives were gonna give the job to his wife but she's not allowed outta the kitchen

JANE GOODALL CHIMPANZEE MOVIE

Jane Goodall promotes 'Chimpanzee' movie

Gangbang porn will never be the same

GLADYS KNIGHT DWTS

Gladys Knight lost 60 lbs on Dancing With The Stars

The Pips lost 260 lbs

LEVON HELM DEAD FROM CANCER

Levon Helm dead from cancer

Doctor's didn't know how much time he had left

Drummers are always going too fast or too slow

NY FINANCIAL BUILDING EVACUATED

New York financial building evacuated over toy grenade, Buzz Lightyear taken in for

questioning

WAR ON TERROR

I think the War on Terror and the War on Drugs is the same thing

Thats why we're in Afghanistan

It's one of the only places in the world where it's legal to get stoned

 

That's actually a women's rights joke

Not one of my favorites

And apparently, not very popular with you guys either

I'm trying to raise awareness

But whatever

COLOMBIAN PROSTITUTE SCANDAL

Secret Service agents involved in Colombian prostitute scandal

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/17/dania-suarez-secret-servi_n_1974111.html#slide=1654210

Insist national security compromised during 'Operation Puta Muerte'

PLEASE TIP YOUR BARTENDER

Please tip your bartender: he needs beer money

S. AFRICAN MINERS KILLED

S. African president declares week of mourning for platinum miners killed during

violent strike

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/17/world/africa/killing-of-striking-workers-alters-south-africa-politics.html?_r=0

It was that or hold police accountable

QFC SOMMELIERE

The sommeliere at QFC knows his shit

The prosecco was delicate and well-balanced for $13.99

Just like it said on the display!

THE UNTOUCHABLES

I think they should do a remake of the gangster flick The Untouchables

 

Only this time filmed at a leper colony

FATHER'S DAY

Father's Day is coming up

I'm looking forward to it, I don't have to buy anybody anything

FULFILLING STEREOTYPES

Dude on the bus used the city jail as a landmark for directions

Fulfilling stereotypes?

Check!

THE LAW

It's illegal to punch people so if you need me I will be over here in a bad mood instead

11 YR OLD PAKISTANI GIRL

In Pakistan, they arrested an 11yr old girl with Down's syndrome after she accidentally

threw pages of the Koran in the trash

In her defense, she's got Down's syndrome

She prolly thought it was Pakistani currency, which is equally worthless

DAD = OLD SCHOOL HIPSTER

My dad was an old school hipster

Not only was our music collection all vinyl, so was the siding on our house

HIPSTORY CHANNEL

I was watching this show about the origins of skinny jeans, trucker hats and PBR

It was on The Hipstory Channel

Can you believe their broadcasting with that vintage equipment?

That's a 25 yr old radar, buddy!

How are you even getting any bandwidth!?

PUSSY SLAYER

Guys give each other the worst advice in the world too

If your a single dude don't listen to your friends

They're single too, okay

They don't know what they're talkin' about

There's very few actual players out there

Those dudes who are always getting laid

Player is short for pussy slayer by the way

I dunno if you guys know that

But there's very few true players out there

And I have the great misfortune of having one in my family

I say that because it's my nephew

My nephew destroys pussy

Everytime I see this kid he's got a new girl

And he's at the age now

He's like 22 or 23

So it's the girls that I wish I could bang

You know?

I see these girls

And I'm just like

"Fuck you, bro

I remember when you used to fall down and cry like a little bitch

And now your knee deep in sweet, sweet puss

Goddamit"

Life is cruel, man

WEED AND LISTERINE

If you smoke weed after using Listerine it tastes like a grape Tootsie Pop!

ARMED GUNMAN IN SEATTLE

Some asshole shoots five people at a cafe in Seattle

Jeez buddy, was your latte not hot enough?

BROKE UP WITH GIRLFRIEND

I just broke up with my girlfriend and boy are my arms tired!

THE WORLD IS CRAZY

The world is a crazy place

Just ask anyone who's seen the Joy Luck Club

Or The Travelling Pants of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

FEAR OF COMMITMENT

Women like to say that men have a fear of commitment

I don't think that's true

I thought being monogamous was easy, it was my ex who found it difficult

LA MARATHON

Did you guys hear that the LA marathon's comin' up?

Did you hear about that?

Anybody?

Why would you we're in Seattle

Listen, here's the important part

The LA marathon's comin' up

And I heard that Barack Obama is gonna run in the LA marathon

And when I heard that, I called my bookie and put some money down on 'em

'Cuz it's always a guy from Kenya that wins those things

Isn't that how that works?

WEB PORN PIRATES

German lawyers say they're going to start naming web porn pirates

Subpoenas being sent out to every dude on the planet with internet