JENNY MCCARTHY IN PLAYBOY

Jenny McCarthy posed in Playboy recently

She's 40 yrs old

Now I'm all for a woman expressing herself with her body but c'mon Playboy

40?

When I wanna look at something that old I'll buy a magazine about turtles

In China they're revered for their longevity

COMEDY IN THE 80'S

I heard that back in the 80's all you had to do to get booked at a comedy club was send

someone a bindle of coke

And as someone who now helps with booking at a comedy club

I can't help but feel a little nostalgic

Whatever happened to the good old days?



 

PREGNANT WAITRESS

One of our waitresses is pregnant? 

Between a road comic, the bar manager or her boyfriend - it was only a matter of time

PHOENIX JONES

Phoenix Jones is a black superhero?

How hard is that, to be a black superhero?

Just pay your phone bill on time and maintain custody

WEDNESDAY JULY 25TH, 2012

Well, here I am at the Comedy Underground

Producing my first Wednesday nite show, called Great Expectations

Jon Fox came up with the name at the last minute and I just went with it

I hope 19th Century Victorian literature doesn't become a trend on my monthly shows

Next time it'll be Wuthering Heights and then something by Rudyard Kipling

It could get ridiculous

But it should go good

I got a good lineup of comedians and I'm just mainly concerned with the numbers

Learning how to draw is a big concern at this point

I mean, it's a Wednesday so who knows but Ty Barnett drew great last week and it's

the summertime which is traditionally harder to do

Sitting down here in the basement office, with the ventilation system blowing

microscopic dust all over the place

Everything is covered with a fine silt, including my lungs

Excuse me while I choke up some green stuff..

I'm gonna order some chicken wings in a little while, wash that down with a beer

and call it breakfast!

Then maybe a couple vodka red bulls as an aperitif

Va bene! I live like an aristocrat baby

The weather is super beautiful outside

Lots of pretty girls, and the livin's easy

Alright, let's get it going

I'm out

TINY SHRIMP ON DICK

Before I go on a date with a woman I like to put tiny shrimp on my dick

That way if we have sex later and she has an STD

The crabs have someone to play with

 

PI EATING CONTEST

I've had kind of a long day today

I was in a pi eating contest earlier

And I don't know if anyone here has ever tried to eat the number pi

But lemme tell ya

It  takes forever

Just when you think you're done there's a little bit more

And a little bit more

And a little bit more

I can do this forever

Or the next 3.14 minutes

Whichever is longer

SHITTY APARTMENT

I live in a shitty apartment

I live in one of those studio apartments with no kitchen

I'm a hobo with a hot plate and a Murphy bed

It reminds me of John Belushi's apartment in the Blues Brothers movie

It's right by the train tracks

When you go to the window of my apartment and look out

It's just a brick wall

That's the view

ROUGH HIGH SCHOOL

I went to kind of a rough high school in Los Angeles

I went to the same high school as John Singleton

That's the guy who wrote and directed the movie Boyz N The Hood

And to give you an idea of what my high school was like

The Blue Man Group did a show there

And almost got shot in a drive by

TRADITIONAL ARMENIAN CAREERS

My family wanted me to pick a more traditional Armenian career

But I wasn't ready to settle down and park cars for a living

MCCHRYSTAL

Glad we got rid of that General McChrystal over in Afghanistan

That guy was bad for business

And I'm not just talking about the Rolling Stone article with Obama 

I mean, just his name

McChrystal

It sounds like McChristian

So the Afghani's thought they were being invaded

By some sort of evil merger between Jesus and McDonald's

That's why they're pissed off

They're like

"Dude,

We're goat herding Muslims

We already have a bad diet

And a repressive religion"

IT'S A DOG EAT DOG WORLD

And That's Why 1/2 The Phillipines Is Starving

COMMUNITY COLLEGE

After high school I went to a community college in Vancouver, Washington

I'm a big fan of the community college system

While I was there I majored in creative writing with a strong focus in chemistry

I studied alot of molecules

Like THC

I studied the THC molecule

Found it quite fascinating in my 'research'

No

But seriously

I'd be sitting in US History class bored outta my mind

'You know what?

I'm gonna go smoke a joint laced with coke

That'll spice things up a bit'

I had a buddy

We would go get high before class

And then walk around all paranoid

"Dude, they know!"

Good times

I had to take a drug test one time

My urine was so cloudy they thought it was the 5 day weather forecast for Seattle

ARMENIAN WORDS

A lot of Armenian words end with the letters 'ian'

Like Armenian

Or comedian

In Armenian, a comedian is someone who makes a living out of disappointing their family

I looked it up

There was my picture

ARMENIAN PICKUP LINE

Girl, you so fine you make Kim Kardashian look like Khloe Kardashian

ARMENIAN MAFIA

Did you know the Armenian mafia leads the world in human trafficking cases?

Number one in the world

Shit, I got three girls in the trunk of a rental car right now

In Armenia that's still considered being single

You can't even use the carpool lane with only three girls in the trunk

They gave me a ticket last time

DO I VOTE FOR MAX HARDCORE OR JOHN MCCAIN?

10th GRADE BASKETBALL

I tried out for the basketball team in 10^th grade

That was the start of my comedy career

I was awful

At one point during tryouts I went for a layup and sprained my ankle

The coach thought I was trying to do the stanky leg

He told me to walk it out

First I northside walked it out

Then I southside walked it out

SAKE BOMBS

Japanese scientists recently discovered that rice wine is combustible
 

Which led to new fears that it might be used to make sake bombs

AMERICAN HIKERS IN IRAN

Did you guys hear about those 2 American hikers in Iran who got arrested for spying

And thrown in jail?

They got arrested for spying

Yeah

'Cuz the CIA is using hikers now, right?

"Fuck satellite imagery

And reconaissance planes, Mr President

Let's get some hikers in Tehran

And see what they can dig up"

Jesus Christ

But I don't really feel bad for those guys

I mean

Who the fuck goes hiking in Iran in the 1^st place?

I hate hiking

But you know what I hate more than hiking?

Muslim jail

Not exactly the place you wanna be bending over 5 times a day

Even if you're Christian I'm sure it wouldn't be long before you found yourself on your

knees praying for Allah

Praying for allah your cellmates to stop raping you

'Cuz you're in jail!

LEBRON'S BRICKS

Little known fact about the Comedy Underground

The bricks that you see here

Came from Lebron James' field goal shooting

In the playoffs last season

And as you can see

There's quite a lot of them

BOXING

They call boxing 'The Sweet Science'

It's sweet alright

Two grown men wearing silk shorts

Fight over a belt

And the winner gets the purse

ENTOURAGE AND PAPARAZZI

TILA SEE, TILA DO

OLD PEOPLE

We're supposed to respect old people

'Cuz they've lived a long time

So that means they're wise

But what's so wise about them?

Old people watch Wheel of Fortune

Do you know what Wheel of Fortune is?

It's a crossword puzzle

It's a show where people do crossword puzzles

One letter at a time

What's so wise about that?

What's so wise about a person who sits around all day

Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

Drinks prune juice

Watches other people do a crossword puzzle

And then falls in the shower?

I'm sorry

That's not impressive to me

CHOW TIME