BARBATE

Barbate-

1. tufted or furnished w/ hairs, bearded

2. the type of girls one is likely to pick up at last call

DINNER FOR TWO

'ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS'

Actions speak louder than words-

I've taken a vow of silence

ARTICHOKE

Artichoke-

1. a tall, thistle-like plant native to the Mediterranean region which is eaten as a

vegetable

2. the suffocating experience of being surrounded by hipsters

MY FAVORITE PORNO ON VHS

'ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER'

Absence makes the heart grow fonder-

Silence even more so

ANTELOPE

Antelope-

1. any of several ruminants of the family Bovidae; having permanent, unbranched

horns

2. a pair of ants that run away and get married in Vegas

JAMES MILTON LIVE!

'SHE WAS AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE DAY IS LONG'

She was as beautiful as the day is long-

Like Alaska in December

DJEVILAKALIVE ON MYSPACE

DJ Evil is quite possibly the greatest deejay on the planet Earth.

His ability to manipulate the Rane Serato interface is equalled only by the skillz

required to press play on an Ipod.

DJ Evil is on some international-status type shit.

He has rocked dancefloors from Sydney to Madagascar and everywhere in between:

highlights include the Brillstein-Kovacs bar mitzvah, as well as the Ben Bridge

Jewelers holiday get-together.

AIRBAG

Airbag-

1. an inflatable bag mounted under the dashboard of a car: it cushions the driver in the

event of a collision

2. Joy Behar from the View

MY FAVORITE FAST FOOD JOINT

ACCRUE

Accrue-

1. to happen or result as a natural growth, addition, etc

2. a group of at least 3 dudes who hang out together 'cuz they can't get laid

'AN ANGEL BELONGS IN THE GARDEN'

An angel belongs in the garden-

A ho belongs in the bedroom

CRASH TEST DUMMIES

You know those commercials where they show you car safety?

And so they'll have like a

They'll crash BMW's into a cement fucking wall

And they'll have the crash test dummies in the car

And then one of the cameras will show you up close

Like the inside of the car at the moment of impact

When the crash test dummies neck is slamming into the dashboard

The other crash test dummies arms are flying off

The baby crash test dummy in the backseat's got his head thru the steering wheel

That commercial would be so much cooler if they used real people

MY FAVORITE LIQUOR STORE

RELIGIOUS RIGHT

Im sick and tired of the religious right in this country

Saying that gay sex is a sin

And that gays are going to Hell

If I was gay that shit would piss me off

But instead of arguing with a bunch of idiots

I would just put holy water in my Vaseline

THE BIBLE: GENESIS

I was reading the Bible recently

And in Genesis it tells us that God created the world in 7 days

But of course thats before the unions took over everything

Id like to see God try that shit nowadays

Nothing would get done

And God said let there be light

And the Intl Brotherhood of Electrical Workers local 46

Entered into collective bargaining agreements with the Lord

Calling for improved safety conditions

A 40 hr work week

And prevailing wage

Nothing would get done

We skip ahead to the end of the chapter

And finally after coming in months behind schedule

And way overbudget

Finally God saw the light

That it was good

And God called the light the Seattle viaduct tunnel

'AS COMMON AS EARTH'

She was as common as earth-

But I still plowed her

MY FAVORITE OLD SCHOOL RAP

ABSTAIN

Abstain-

1. to hold oneself back from something regarded as improper or unhealthy

2. to ejaculate onto one's own stomach

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Pierce County middle schools have been showing

Daniel Day Lewis films in the girls sex ed classes

Which I thought was inappropriate

Especially the film

There will be blood