"JUST BE YOURSELF"

I hate when women give you advice on other women

It never works

It's always stuff like

"Just be yourself"

Really?

Just be myself?

I'm 34 yrs old and still single

I think being myself is the problem

I wanna be George Clooney for a while

Let's try that

HIPSTER METEOROLOGIST

Did you hear the one about the hipster meteorologist?

He was into low-pressure systems way before it was cool

"FRACKING MONTHLY"

I just started my magazine subscription to 'Fracking Monthly'

JUAN CASTANEDA

I used to live in a foster home in Highland Park, Los Angeles

I lived with a kid named Juan Castaneda

He was Colombian

Don't ask me how a Colombian kid in Los Angeles ended up in a foster home in the

80's

But your guess is as good as mine

Juan was a big kid

He had a big head

And a big body

Both of 'em bigger than the rest of us

So no one fucked with Juan

No one in our circle challenged him

He was used to being in charge

We used to go to all of the different amusement parks in Los Angeles as kids:

Knott's Berry Farm, Disneyland, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Raging Waters, etc

This particular day we were at Disneyland, I believe

We had just gotten thru the gates of the park and now were trying to figure out where

to go first

Next to us was a group of special needs kids with Down's Syndrome

Juan saw those special needs kids as victims just like us

And so with no delay began making fun of the kids with Down's

Of course, they didn't really have the presence of mind to see what Juan

was doing... I thought

But one kid out of their group seemed to pay attention to Juan and focus on his

behavior

He furrowed his brow in concentration and in a flash of recognition, he intuitively

understood what Juan was doing

Without missing a beat, the special needs kid started making a pyramid shape

With his hands and running them up and down his head, he mimicked the abnormally

large head that Juan himself possessed

We all started dying laughing

And Juan couldn't do shit

He got owned by a disabled kid and couldn't do shit about it

Great day for a bully in 1988

SPOILED GEOLOGIST

Did you guys hear the one about the spoiled geologist?

He took everything for granite

BREAKING BAD MARATHONS

What started as marathons of Breaking Bad have led to full-blown agoraphobia

IRAQ-NAPHOBIA

When I was in the Navy, I was always afraid to go to war

Everytime someone mentioned going to the Middle East, I'd almost have

a panic attack

Navy doctors diagnosed me with Iraq-naphobia

BALD GUY SECRET

It feels good shaving your head

You know how good it feels shaving your balls?

Well, imagine your balls were the size of my head!

JOB INTERVIEWS ARE FUN

Job interviews are fun

What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses?

I dunno

Why don't you hire me and find out

TYPES OF WOMEN

Alot of guys are picky when it comes to the kind of women they like

Some guys are into tall blondes

Or maybe a cute little brunette

Me?

I'm not that picky

I don't have a type

I don't care if a woman is tall or short

Blonde or brunette

I'm just happy as long as she's Asian

SALESMAN W/ LISP

'Always be clothing' - salesman with lisp

HELD BACK IN SCHOOL

I went to public schools

And in public schools there's always someone who gets held back from the year

before

You'd be in 7th grade

And there'd be a kid who was supposed to be in 8th grade

But he got held back

So he was in your class

I remember the kid who got held back was always the smartest kid in class

Right?

He knew all the answers

You'd be in history class

And this kid already knew about the Mason Dixon line

I'd be sitting there like

"Man, this kid's smart

Why'd he get held back?"

The kids who got held back were a bad influence on me, too

I'm like

"You know

I think I wanna get held back for a year

I wanna be the smart guy for a change

I'm sick of Sanjeev Nandukumaran over here havin' all the fun

INDIA GANG RAPE

So I'm sure everyone is familiar with that terrible news story that came out of India

Where 5 guys brutally raped a woman on a bus

To me, this incident really highlights the gender inequality issues in India

Women's rights aren't very important there

In this case it took the cops several weeks to arrest the suspects for the crime and

have them formally charged

Which made me think

Maybe the police in India woulda done something sooner if they raped a cow instead

CEAUCESCU

It's pronounced Chow-chess-q

STONER DIRECTIONS

I did a comedy show recently at a medical marijuana dispensary

I had trouble finding the place so I called my stoner buddy for directions

He was like

"Okay, it's on Rainier over by the McDonald's

Across the street from the Taco Time

I'll meet you there in a couple minutes"

I go

"Where are you?"

He's like

"Arby's"

WEED DEALER

This guy I work with

He's a weed dealer

He makes deliveries for dispensary's & stuff

The other day he was telling me

"Dude, I got to hang out w/ Bone Thugs 'N Harmony in Seattle while they

were in town doing their shows

'Cuz they get their weed from me"

I was like

"Cool, that's why I'm hanging out w/ you

Do you have any purple?"

& he was like

"Yeah, I got this one right here

Which is the one that Bone Thugs 'N Harmony picked out"

I thought that was awesome

I have the same taste in weed as Bizzy Bone

'Cuz we prolly don't have anything else in common

Like, I've never had a jherri curl or a successfull rap career

And it just makes me think

What other connections are there?

Like, do I also enjoy the same type of coffee as Pablo Escobar?

The possibilities are endless