FINGER GUNS

I'm not very politically active

I'm not smart enough for one thing

But I do think we need to introduce legislation banning finger gins

As far as I'm concerned, assault rifles and finger guns should both be illegal

It's hurting the community and destroying the nation as a whole

Or at the very least

There should be a concealed weapons permit for finger guns

Which means you put your hands in your fuckin' pockets

No one wants to be the next victim of that guy

INDICA VS SATIVA

If you want me to remember the difference between indica and sativa, your gonna

have to explain it to me when we're not high

HOMELESS GUY: ''WORK ON YOUR ACT''

Everytime I see a homeless person I'm like

'Dude, you could at least be going to open mics and working on your act'

MACKLEMORE JOKE

Macklemore has a song about wearing pawn shop clothes & shit

I'm just waiting for Macklemore to write a song about using an EBT card

That'll help my swag

LIL' WAYNE SEIZURE

If Lil Wayne died his doctor woulda had to get teardrop tattoo

GOOGLE ALERTS

I signed up for Google alerts on my name

And so far it's only been obituaries

STARBUCKS BATHROOM CODE

One time when I worked at Starbucks, a lady came up to the counter

And asked for the bathroom code

I go

"It's 5, 4, 3, 2, 1"

And she goes

"Can you write that down for me?

I have a bad memory"

What?

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

That's not memory

That's counting

Your stupid

ROADSIDE BLOOD TEST

Somebody said that because of the marijuana laws passing, cops in WA state

are allowed to give you roadside blood test to check for the presence of

marijuana in your system

Does that sound like a good idea?

Seattle cops don't have a good track record of safety with guns

Now they get needles?

This isn't gonna end well

NAVY BOOTCAMP

Navy bootcamp was really easy compared to the Army or the Marines

Most people are prolly familiar with military bootcamp from movies

But the Navy bootcamp was super easy

We didn't carry guns or anything

Everyday, to get us ready for what the Navy was gonna be like

Our drill instructor would line us up

And go

"Alright fucksticks

Repeat after me

This is my Budweiser

There are many like it

But this one is mine!"

BISCOTTI

Biscotti means twice baked in Italian #SugarCrouton

BANANA IN YOUR PANTS

Is that a banana in your pants or Jon Hamm's penis?

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL

If Punxsutawney Phil doesn't see his shadow that means an early Spring

Or he's a vampire

YOLO

If I replaced the "INRI" on my cross with "YOLO" does that make me an athiest?

BOND GUY OR RUSSIAN PRESIDENT?

I keep mistaking that Bond guy for the president of Russia

And yeah, I still call it Russia

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

When I read Crime and Punishment years ago I thought Roskolnikov was a loser

Now the only difference between me and him is an axe

BREAKING BAD

Breaking Bad makes me want to do meth

COMMUNITY COLLEGE + BEING LATE

I had a rough life

I went to community college

In Vancouver, WA

Okay?

I am not braggin'

I used to get in trouble for bein' late

I didn't even know they cared

I figured attendance at a community college is like having your period

Who cares if it's

If it's late

As long as it still shows up

We are good

GOATS YELLING LIKE PEOPLE

I haven't seen any videos of goats yelling like people

But I have seen videos of people yelling like goats

Mostly in porn

MISNOMERS

Planned Parenthood

Dept. of Defense

Christian Scientist

WILFRED T BRIMLEY

 

I like to imagine the TV show starring Wilford T Brimley was based around his

character doing 'diabeetus testin' supplies'

ISLAMIC KUSH

I did a comedy show recently at a medical marijuana dispensary

I couldn't even decide which weed to get after the show

Like, do I go with that beautiful purple and blue one?

Or the other... Islamic Kush

That's the good shit

You get so high you believe in Muhammed

BIRTHDAY SEX

That song 'Birthday Sex' was about anal, right?

BALDIE-LOCKS

My name is James Milton

You can call me Jimmy Milts

My friend's call me Baldie-locks

MINOR BOUTS OF DYSLEXIA

So I'm in my 30's now

And I've started suffering from minor bouts of dyslexia

I've been misspelling words

Which is a bad sign for me

'Cuz I used to be a really good speller

In fact, in 7^th grade I was the runner up in my school's spelling bee

I got second place

I took silver to a kid named Sanjeev Nandukumaran

And I woulda won that spelling bee

But they asked me to spell Sanjeev Nandukumaran

And I was fucked

Sri Lankan surnames is my Achilles heel

I don't know how they knew that!

ALLEY BLOWJOB

One of my fantasies is to get a blowjob in an alley

And what makes that fantasy so difficult to achieve is that I want it to be by a woman

First of all

And also, I don't wanna have to pay for it

So, therein lies the problem

I mean

I just want a mutually consensual blowjob in an alley

Is that too much to ask?

4-STROKE JOHNSON

If my dick was a boat engine, it'd be a 4-stroke Johnson

WALDO'S A HIPSTER!?

You know who else is a hipster?

I'll give you a hint

He wears thick frame glasses

And an ugly striped shirt

With a ridiculous beenie

Waldo!

Waldo's a hipster!?

That's why you could never find him

He was at The Unicorn drinking a PBR