TECHNOLOGY IS OUTTA CONTROL

We got emails, Gmails, she-males

It's crazy!

RAPE FANTASY

If I get a girl pregant will fulfilling her rape fantasy, does that make me the father of

an illegitimate child?

FRAGILE EGO-SYSTEM

Seattle is an insulated place with a fragile ego-system

 

REVERSE RACISM

Reverse racism is the new black

FOOD PORN

I thought food porn was something totally different

Guess I better take down those Craigslist ads

PORTLAND VS SEATTLE

Portland has Seattle beat when it comes to stripclubs and haberdashery shops

THE UNICORN

Capitol Hill is a fun place to hang out

I was at The Unicorn the other day

And everyone with neck tattoos but no felonies was there

DENNIS RODMAN IN N KOREA

I thought it was cool that Dennis Rodman went to N Korea last week

And he got to meet Kim Jong-Un

The Holy Glorious Leader

Or whatever it is they have to call him

I'm just not sure how much we got accomplished by sending Dennis Rodman

Like, couldn't we have just sent The Ultimate Warrior at that point?

I think we woulda gotten as much done diplomatically

Plus I woulda watched it on Pay-Per-View

RUSSIAN RESTAURANT

I went to a Russian restaurant one time

The service was terrible

It took 'em 3 hrs just to bring me some bread!

I could see my waiter from across the room

Just standing there

I go

"Ivan, what are you doink?

Get over here"

He goes

"I can't

I lose my place in line"

DREADLOCKS

I used to think that being bald was the worst haircut that you could have

Then I went to a ska festival

It could be worse

I could be a white guy with dreadlocks

DJANGO UNCHAINED

I'm not racist but Django Unchained was a good movie

PLAYGROUND NEAR SEX OFFENDERS

I heard a news story

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/feb/28/local/la-me-parks-sex-offenders-20130301

That said that cities across the country are building playgrounds near where sex

offenders live; in the hopes of legally driving them outta the neighborhood

I don't understand how people think that by building parks near where sex offenders

live is going to get rid of them

I'm not a farmer

But if I was trying to get rid of crows

I wouldn't PLANT MORE CORN!

SMALL DICK ADVICE

I used to think I had a small dick

I was worried that women were gonna see my small dick and laugh

But then I started watching porn

And I noticed that the women in porn never cared about the size of a guy's dick

So I figured I'm good!

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION 2013

My New Year's resolution is to find Tupac and Biggie's killer

CHRISTIAN GUILT VS JEWISH GUILT

Christian guilt is when someone makes you feel guilty for something you did

Jewish guilt is when someone makes you feel guilty for something they did

MAGNUMS

Magnums

The official condom of Charles Bronson

GENERAL TSAO

I don't see what the big deal is regarding the General Petraeus affair scandal

General Tsao had extramarital affairs but that didn't stop him from creating one of the

greatest combination plates ever

SADE

I like Sade

She's great

She gets dumped in every song

But she somehow gets thru it

And that's the beauty of it

All you have to do is put on a pair of headphones

And Sade will long for you

Not all music does that

Makes you feel needed

That's what I like about Sade

She says all the things I wish a real woman would say

"In Heaven's name why are you walkin' away"

I'm the one that usually says that

I'm the one with abandonment issues

Thank you Sade

For relating to my world