BASEBALL + CLAM CHOWDER RIVALRY

The only rivalry bigger than baseball's Yankees/Red Sox

Is clam chowder's Manhattan/New England

ELLEN DEGENERES

You ever get the feeling that if Ellen DeGeneres didn't have her own talk show

She'd be a womens college basketball coach?

TRUCK COMMERCIALS

Having a Southern guy narrate truck commercials makes me want to buy a truck

Or repeal the 16th Amendment

I'm getting mixed messages

RAINY TOWN

Seattle's a rainy town

It rains from October

Until you can't stand it

Then it rains some more

But what can you do?

Besides move

And no one wants to do that

Why be happy somewhere else when you can be miserable here?

You ever see those people?

The miserable people

People who wake up in the morning and go

"Shit it's gray outside

Fuck that

I'm gonna be a Mariner's fan

That way I can really be disappointed"

APPLES + PILATES

Apples should do Pilates

So they can strengthen their core

SILICON VALLEY

Silicon Valley

The place between a porn star's tits

CALLING WOMEN WHORES

Calling women whores is disrespectful

Not all women are whores

I should know

I've been with both

When your with a whore you pay for sex

But when your with a woman you pay for everything

It's totally different

And way more expensive

If it floats

Flies

Or fucks

It's cheaper to rent than to buy

DID YOU KNOW?

There's a guy named Charles Krauthammer!?

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: MARCH 14

On this day in 1879 Albert Einstein was born

Also on this day, in 1948, Billy Crystal was born

So it's all relative

BOY BANDS

Just realized that the lyrics to every song by 98 Degrees is what you would say if you

were breaking up with a 17 yr old girl

JACKIE ROBINSON DAY

Jackie Robinson Day in Major League Baseball

reminds us all of an era in sports where segregation, not steroids,

was the norm

BATH SALTS

Mike Tyson was on bath salts

STOP SEARCHING FOR MEANING IN YOUR LIVES

Just eat the Cheetos!

SHROOMS + COLUMBIA TOWER

One time I got so high on shrooms

I thought the Columbia Tower building in downtown Seattle

Was that black thing from 2001

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF

And when they came for Big Bird I said nothing

SEINFELD APT

Seinfeld had a pretty nice apartment for a comedian

MISS UNIVERSE ENDS BAN ON TRANSGENDER CONTESTANTS

Miss Universe pageant ends ban on transgender contestants, movie marathons of

The Crying Game

DEAF GERBILS 'HEAR AGAIN' AFTER STEM CELL CURE

Deaf gerbils hear again after stem cell cure

Scientists close to answering the question - what does Richard Gere's colon sound

like?

NEW TORTURE TECHNIQUE AT GUANTANAMO

Activists claim the gov't is using a new torture technique at Guantanamo Bay:

 

Christianity

 

MIDWEST TORNADO KILLS 5 IN OKLAHOMA

Midwest tornado kills 5 in Oklahoma

Cameraman and boom guy from Stormchasers still missing

TITANIC MEMORIAL CRUISE DELAYED

Titanic memorial cruise delayed due to medical emergency

Historically accurate ship's doctor prescribes Chesterfields, tincture of laudanum

FACEBOOK BUYS INSTAGRAM FOR $1 BILLION DOLLARS

Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion dollars

Facebook then laughs maniacally and pets cat in lap

LIONEL RICHIE OWES IRS $1 MILLION DOLLARS

Lionel Richie owes $1 million dollars in backtaxes to IRS, forgot to claim Queen

Helene's hair relaxer as a deduction

SPACE SHUTTLE DISCOVERY FLIES FINAL MISSION

Space shuttle Discovery flies final mission

Tom Hanks somehow wins Oscar