COUPLES IN SEATTLE

If I didn't know any better I would say that 75% of the couples I see in Seattle the chick

is dating her nephew

The other 25%?

Her dad

ROBO WORLD CUP

This year 26 teams will compete in the Robo World Cup aka the robot Olympics

My money's on the cop from Detroit

Or Johnny #5

CHURCHES

I saw an Episcopelian church the other day

And it made me think about back in the medieval times

When churches, all roads led to the church

They were the biggest buildings in town

Now it's the insurance companies

Some things never change

BALLER STATUS

The phrase 'baller status' is used almost exclusively by people who are in fact not

LOUIS CK IS MEXICAN

Louis CK is Mexican

If Mexicans are stealing all our jobs why is Larry the Cable Guy still working?

BLIND LADY

I live next door to a blind lady

She has a corner apt

Corner apts have the best view

SOVIET UNION FLAG

The Soviet Union's flag is a hammer and a sickle

Which needs to be updated

It's been a long time since Russia was known for it's ironworking or wheat

I'm just having a hard time imagining a flag with the symbols for organized crime and

hot Euro porn, surrounded by computer hackers

That would be a pretty bizarre flag

OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN

Some people make bad decisions when they're high

But marijuana has been nothing but a positive influence on my life

Case in point:

When I was 18, I was gonna join the Army

I was all signed up to go to bootcamp

But then I smoked some weed and watched that movie An Officer and A Gentleman

Gamechanger!

And that movie isn't even about the Army

But if I didn't get high and watch Richard Gere pretend to be heterosexual, I'd be in

Afghanistan right now

JAPANESE FLAG

For a long time, I thought the Japanese flag was the flag of India

Just a red dot

FLOYD MAYWEATHER GOES TO JAIL FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Floyd Mayweather Jr. goes to jail for domestic violence

- Let the record show the turtle defense isn't as effective in legal bouts

SEAHAWKS PLAYER

I like living in Chinatown

I'm tall and bald so I fit right in

I'm real close to the stadiums

So I can go to the games whenever I want

And every now and then I see some of the pro athletes in my neighborhood

One nite I saw a guy on my street that plays for the Seahawks

At least I'm pretty sure he plays for the Seahawks

I don't know his name

But he's built like a linebacker

And he kept telling me he's got 20 sacks

Now I don't follow the game

But I think he plays right tackle

PREDICTING THE FUTURE

Root canal, 5 years

I can feel it

FAMOUS QUOTES? PT. II

If they hate then let 'em hate and watch the bills pile up - comedian 50 Cent

FAMOUS QUOTES?

Methinks the ladies doth protest too much - Rep. Todd Akin

SHITHEADS

Hey guest spot guy "who's a regular at the Comedy Store"- if you burn the light, don't

apologize afterwards

Your an asshole, just own it

INTERNET PORN

Do you guys watch porn?

It's a $10 billion dollar a year industry

Someone's watching it

Besides me and the other comedians

And I'll tell you this ladies

This might sound gross but a lot of guys will jerk off when they watch internet porn

But not me

Not anymore anyways

The last time I jerked off to internet porn I got kicked outta the library

 

WORD: 'TROPE'

Whenever you feel like the dummy in a conversation just start throwing

the word "trope" around

UTILITIES

Wait a minute... I pay for sewer, trash AND garbage?

RAIN ON MY BIRTHDAY

It rains alot in Seattle

I don't mind the rain

But my birthdays in November

And every year in November

We set a new record for rainfall

So what does God get me for my birthday?

A flood warning!

Hey, thanks big guy!

I've always wanted to go kayaking

I just didn't think it was gonna be in my own backyard

Every year before my birthday I gotta go outside

And load a couple of urban chickens

And some Ellen Degeneres lookin' chicks onto my canoe

Just in case I have to repopulate Ballard

JOHN TRAVOLTA SEXUALLY ASSAULTS MASSEUSE

John Travolta sexually assaults masseuse, Travolta unable to process how someone

said no to an offer to do something just for the money

RYAN O'NEAL HAS PROSTATE CANCER

Farrah Fawcett's boyfriend has prostate cancer, butt sex between Ryan O'Neal and

Farrah Fawcett officially most malignant coitus ever

NEVER MET MY DAD

I never met my dad

I talked to him once on the phone

I called him collect

I wanted to invest as much in the relationship as he did

While we were talking I started to cry

He asked my why I was crying

I said

"I never had someone to play catch with

Or teach me how to shave"

He said

"Look on the bright side

You never had to worry about being good enough for me

I was an absentee father

You will always be more disappointed in me than I could ever be in you"

At the end of our conversation my dad invited me to move back to California

And chase the dollar with him

That's what he said

"We can chase the dollar together"

Now, the only thing in my life that's been more elusive than my father is money

So I declined that offer

I was like

"No thanks dad

I'm gonna stick it out here in Vancouver, WA

I'm feelin' lucky"

OBAMA SPENDING CAMPAIGN

Obama spending $325 million on his re-election campaign

Why give that money to help the poor when you can spend it to convince them you'll

help?

DAILY AFFIRMATION

I am confident in my ability to turn a lesbian

THOMAS KINKADE THE PAINTER OF LIGHT DIES

Thomas Kinkade the Painter of Light died, to be laid to rest along with hacky scenes

of pastoral tranquility

RANE SERATO DJ

Thanks to Rane Serato, this is pretty much all it takes to be a DJ

PATCHES THE CLOWN DIES

Patches the Clown died

His funeral's this weekend

And per his wishes, everyone attending the funeral has to ride in the same car