"JUST BE YOURSELF"

I hate when women give you advice on other women

It never works

It's always stuff like

"Just be yourself"

Really?

Just be myself?

I'm 34 yrs old and still single

I think being myself is the problem

I wanna be George Clooney for a while

Let's try that

HIPSTER METEOROLOGIST

Did you hear the one about the hipster meteorologist?

He was into low-pressure systems way before it was cool

"FRACKING MONTHLY"

I just started my magazine subscription to 'Fracking Monthly'

JUAN CASTANEDA

I used to live in a foster home in Highland Park, Los Angeles

I lived with a kid named Juan Castaneda

He was Colombian

Don't ask me how a Colombian kid in Los Angeles ended up in a foster home in the

80's

But your guess is as good as mine

Juan was a big kid

He had a big head

And a big body

Both of 'em bigger than the rest of us

So no one fucked with Juan

No one in our circle challenged him

He was used to being in charge

We used to go to all of the different amusement parks in Los Angeles as kids:

Knott's Berry Farm, Disneyland, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Raging Waters, etc

This particular day we were at Disneyland, I believe

We had just gotten thru the gates of the park and now were trying to figure out where

to go first

Next to us was a group of special needs kids with Down's Syndrome

Juan saw those special needs kids as victims just like us

And so with no delay began making fun of the kids with Down's

Of course, they didn't really have the presence of mind to see what Juan

was doing... I thought

But one kid out of their group seemed to pay attention to Juan and focus on his

behavior

He furrowed his brow in concentration and in a flash of recognition, he intuitively

understood what Juan was doing

Without missing a beat, the special needs kid started making a pyramid shape

With his hands and running them up and down his head, he mimicked the abnormally

large head that Juan himself possessed

We all started dying laughing

And Juan couldn't do shit

He got owned by a disabled kid and couldn't do shit about it

Great day for a bully in 1988

SPOILED GEOLOGIST

Did you guys hear the one about the spoiled geologist?

He took everything for granite

BREAKING BAD MARATHONS

What started as marathons of Breaking Bad have led to full-blown agoraphobia

IRAQ-NAPHOBIA

When I was in the Navy, I was always afraid to go to war

Everytime someone mentioned going to the Middle East, I'd almost have

a panic attack

Navy doctors diagnosed me with Iraq-naphobia